Here I sit, on the couch.
Two weeks ago to the day,
In the same spot we sat… Together.

You were sick… Weak for sure.
Yet…a beautiful conversation we shared.
Here on this couch… We laughed… Loved… And spoke of future dreams.

Pride… The emotion I felt in your presence.
You listened to my heart… You always knew how to encourage my weary spirit.
Here, you told me how proud of me you were.

We spoke and laughed for quite some time.
I watched you grow tired.
Encouraged you to lay down and rest.

If only I’d known,
Those precious 45 minutes would be your last lucid conversation?
Here I sit… Snuggling into the arm of the couch where we last loved and laughed.

Two weeks of fighting…
You fought a strong battle.
And won with the medal of countless Heavenly crowns.

I held your hand as you took your last… final..  Earthly breadth.
I was honored to stand next to your bedside.
To witness your face when you saw the face of God.

This couch suddenly feels empty… Lonely.
I long for one more conversation… More cherished memories.
Tonight I snuggle into the couch where you often rested your head.

Your home is full of people…  Your loved ones.
Yet, your absence makes this home feel empty..
My heart longs for your Earthly presence.

Sleeping in your favorite resting spot…
I smell your comforting scent.
In this home you are everywhere…

I keep expecting you to walk into the room.
To hear your good old southern boy laugh…
As you ask in your deep and gentle voice, “Where we going to eat?

Giving…The one word that describes you best.

Hanzil Burtman… The purest example of God’s deepest love.

Your life… Cherished and loved by many.

Dance sweet uncle… Dance with Jesus… Holding the hands of those you’ve loved… Who’ve gone before.

RIP Hanzil Lavern Burtman “You will be greatly missed!”

We miss you… We love you… We’ll see you in our Heavenly dwelling.

Memories… Powerful memories.

Childhood memories.

The good memories are bombarding my heart.

You… Uncle were there… in the positive.

Providing memories of happiness… love… and peace.

I can’t recall a time you weren’t poised… peaceful… and kind.

You stood out in my little mind.

In a world full of chaos.

Several times a year… you came to visit.

Enough to make a huge impact on my life.

You stood out in my little heart.

Full of life… strength… and plenty of love.

I always loved you… admired your morals… I looked up to you.

You were and will always be my childhood hero.

You loved me back.  Kissed my cheek… held my hand.
You were proud of me… And never ceased to tell me.

I was lost in a world without stability.

In the midst of my childhood chaos you were a steady presence.

Loving me with the love of God.

Thank you for showing God’s unconditional love.

Thank you, Uncle Hanzel, for your giving and loving spirit.

For standing up for God, and being a beacon of light in the heart of a little blond headed girl.

This blond headed girl, is grateful, and will look forward to the day we meet again in Heaven.

Your Biggest Fan,

Crystal

My hands are shaking.  My head is spinning, tension is squeezing extreme pressure into my neck, my head hurts, I feel utterly helpless.  I can’t make it stop.  There is nothing I can do, I can’t make my loved one stay.  God wants to take him home, into the Heavenly Realms.  I should be dancing with joy, and celebrating.  He will no longer be in pain.  He will see Jesus very soon.  This is a happy occasion, right?

Why don’t I want to celebrate?  Why don’t I want to dance?   I’m too busy holding back these tears.  Trying my hardest to not break down.  To be strong, and somehow make since of this painful influx of emotion and grief.

I almost feel like playing tug of war with God.  No, please don’t take him!  I need him!  He’s always been a strong Christian influence in my life.  He’s my childhood hero.  The tall man, who loved us, took care of us, and always bought us doughnuts.  He’s my uncle… but really much more than just an uncle.  He’s the only loving, positive, and Christian man in my childhood memories.   He’s mine!  Please… Let him stay a little longer!

I know I shouldn’t question God, I shouldn’t ask God to keep him in this rotten world another day.  I know it’s pure selfishness!  Forgive me Lord for wrestling with your plan.  Help me to trust your plan, and joyously celebrate his “Coming Home” experience.

Right now the tears… flow in large droplets down my pale skin.  My heart feels like it’s being unlawfully squeezed.  Lord, give me strength.  Help me to be your strength in the midst of the pain… the grief… the letting go of a dear sweet Godly man.  A man you blessed me with for 34 years.  I am packing my bag.  I long to be at his side as he runs into Your arms.  Lord, as selfish as this request is, I pray you let me be at his side, I want to witness his face, as you say, “Welcome home My good and faithful servant.  Now I will show you the crowns I have stored up in Heaven for you.  Welcome home!”  I want to see his happiest and deepest smile this side of Heaven.

Thank you Lord, for the gift of Hanzel Burtman.  Thank you for sharing him with me for 34 years!  Thank you for his heart, and his deep love for his family.  Thank you!

Crystal