The Flame Within

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships. Maintaining relationships is tough. If we really stop and think about it, our closest relationships maintain the potential to hurt us the most. I have seen too many relationships destroyed due to hurt feelings. One friend say’s one thing, and someone say’s another, we speak without thinking, we retaliate in anger, and before we know it, we have a broken relationship. Recently, I faced an issue where someone said something that hurt my feelings. I tend to over analyze everything and continually relive social interactions inside my mind. I have realized, usually when someone hurts my feelings, the “offender” has no clue that my feeling were hurt.

Friends, I can honestly say, there isn’t a single close family member or friend, who hasn’t hurt my feelings at some point in time. I can honestly say, there isn’t a single close family member or friend whom I haven’t hurt at one time or another.

What about you?

Relationships are tough… And all healthy relationships experience ups and downs.

Can you recall the feeling, that overwhelming “ouch”, your heart feels the moment those hurtful words slash through your chest? The quickening of your heart as you try to make since of the words or action in question. The way your body suddenly tightens up… and your heart feels like it hit the floor? It’s a terrible feeling!

How can I (we) handle our hurt feelings? As for me I have learned, to just get away. To close the door… walk away… and attempt to get my emotions under control. I have learned escaping the situation allows me time to get my emotions under control. I spend time in prayer, bear my feelings to God, and seek His guidance in dealing with the situation.

Proverbs 20:3: Avoiding a fight is a mark of honor; only fools insist on quarreling.

1. We should do our best to avoid a fight, and try to resist a quarrel.

Trust me, I am learning that retaliating in anger or harsh words {never} has good results. After the hurtful word escape our mouths and the relationship damaged we are left with extreme guilt and sadness. We make things worse by quarreling… Trust me, I’ve learned this the hard way!

2. Occasionally there are times when we can admit the hurt right away and calmly discuss the situation. However, if you are angry or your emotions are raging… it’s probably best to move to #3.

3. Gently walk away… close the door… say good bye and deal with your emotions before retaliating or saying words you may regret.

Trust me friends, I have dealt with many “conflicts” in an improper manner, and later had to face the consequences for my behavior.

3. Evaluate your emotions and your heart. Are you being too sensitive?

At times we are overly sensitive. We need to allow ourselves time to pray and pull together our feelings, we may realize that it was nothing, and that we were being too sensitive. We need to allow people to be human; I am relieved when people allow me to be human. Christ forgives us over and over and we crucified him. Is it possible to extend a little of that grace to our family, friends, church members, acquaintances, and those we come in contact with? After all, we too hurt feelings, it’s all part of our humanness.

4. Be vulnerable.

After you’ve prayed, analyzed your emotions, and realized you weren’t being overly sensitive. Talk with the offender. We should never approach someone in anger… never without bathing the matter in prayer… and never pointing a finger. Rather, in gentleness and self-control discuss the matter. Use “I” statements rather than “you”statements. “You” statements immediately put the “offenders” defenses up. For example… “I felt…. when you…..” It’s really quite simple after we put aside our self and focus on the desired outcome and building harmony.

5. Decide a course of action for a discussion gone awry.

At times, even our best efforts, end in the offender becoming angry… bitter… or retaliating. Have a plan B… And decide ahead to handle the situation in prayer, and peacefulness. Once again… gently walk away… close the door… say goodbye… and deal with your emotions in private and before God.

6. I’ve never retaliated in anger, and received positive results. It’s true! Usually the relationship ends broken, and the hurt much deeper than before.

Friends, words hurt. We must think before we speak!

We must realize that there will be times when our feelings get hurt. Especially in the relationships we hold dearest to us. People are people… we are all human… and we’re “ALL” going to say dumb and hurtful things. We must extend grace and learn how to deal with conflict. Conflict is an inevitable part of life!

How To Handle Conflict…

1. Pray
If the other party is willing, pray together.

2. Take responsibility.
If you hurt someone with your words, take responsibility. Admitting you were wrong is tough, but necessary if we are to build and maintain healthy relationships.

3. Give a little grace.
After all, we would want other’s to do the same for us.

4. Don’t be so sensitive.
Allow people to be people, and think about how much we hurt God, and he still forgives us.

5 Forgive.
Forgiveness is the MOST important concept in ALL relationships. Forgive and “NEVER” hold grudges. Bitterness is painful and wreaks havoc on our spiritual and physical selves.

6. Trust.
Trust God. He’s an awesome and loving God. He has the ability to work in your heart and the hearts of all people. We must be open to His guidance.

Friends, I’m writing more to myself than you. Today I needed a reminder of how to deal with my emotions in regard to my hurt feelings. It’s important to remind ourselves how to handle hurt feelings and conflict. I have come to understand, that we all share many of the same struggles, and I thoughts “just maybe” you struggle with hurt feelings and conflict… just like me.

Blessings, Crystal