Today, I am going to try very hard not to make this post a “poor me” blog! However, I’ll admit, today is a “poor me” kind of a day! Therefore, I am taking a moment to focus on God and write about my feelings, fears, and deepest questions. I turned my heart to God many moons ago, 23 years ago to be exact! I have seen his hand in and amongst many areas of my life! I have seen him perform miracles, I have heard his voice speaking to the innermost places within my soul, and I can honestly say “My God is real and true!”
This is where my honesty and “poor me” feelings kick in…
Today, I have struggled with feeling like God has forgotten me! Today I’ve struggled with feeling God has forgotten the path he’s called me to follow. I followed the path and have found that path lonely, aimless, and empty. Today, I am struggling with my own thoughts and feelings. I have asked myself, “Why would he leave me alone on a path he alone paved?” I have waited patiently (at least I have tried), I have prayed from the deepest places within my spirit, I have read scriptures reminding me of his faithfulness, and the path remains lonely, empty, and aimless.
I have struggled with feeling the very gift he has placed within me, will just explode if not allowed a venue for use. I am an extremely observant individual. I look around and I see God using people’s unique gifts within the church and in the community. I am happy for them and love seeing the joy upon their faces as they serve God’s call upon their life! Sadly, this leads to the aching within my soul! I wonder, “Why has God failed to use me? Why does he fail to show me a place where I can be used? Why did he call me, to have me sit useless, aimless, and wandering?” These inner questions lead to my doubting, questioning, and faithless wandering! I chastise myself, because I know my own lack of faith and doubting is at the core of my personal pain. I have been a Christian for more than half of my life and I should be able to trust God in the visionless places of my life. Yet, I admit, I struggle! I struggle something awful! I find myself angry with myself, other’s, and even God! I told you, this is an honest blog! This my friends, is my heart! The down right ugly, raw, and vulnerable places within the depths of my spirit!
What is the answer? What is the conclusion of this raw and painful blog post?
To be honest, I am not sure!
I know for sure, it is my heart that God uses my pain, trials, joys, and everyday struggles to speak into the lives of his children who are suffering!
I wish I had some great conclusion to end this post, but sadly everything stands the same… I still feel lonely, I still feel I’m wandering on an empty path, I still feel a longing in my heart to be used by God, and I still have no particular venue to use the very gifts God has placed within my spirit!
What has changed?
Me!
I was reminded as I pour out my heart in honesty to myself, God, and you “my friends”… That God has {never} forsaken me! He has allowed me to wander in the dark at times, yet, history reminds me that he’s always had a plan for my life and my gifts. His plan is usually revealed when I reach the end of myself! He makes himself known the most, in the valleys, because it’s in the valley’s I grow!
To be honest, I am not certain when this valley will come to an end… I am not sure if I will ever reach the {perfect} place, I desire … I am not even sure God will provide some mighty path for me to use the gifts he’s given me…
I am certain of one thing, He has {never} forsaken me! He loves me! He guides my path! He has blessed me tremendously! And… He will not abandon me!
I am certain…
“Whatever God brought you to, he will bring you through!”
For this reason…
I will trust him in this valley! I will take my doubts, fears, and questions to the foot of the cross! I will work overtime to trust him, when my faith is shaken and my questions unanswered! I will continue to follow him… all the days of my life! One thing I’ve learned on this journey of following God is, “There’s no other way!!!
Your friend and fellow sojourner,
Crystal Ridlon
Ephesians 1: 4-5 “Just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before Him In love He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will.”
{Dear Lord, I bring my honest feelings, my very heart to the foot of your cross! I admit my human weakness, my doubts, fears, and pain! I admit my lack of faith and ask for forgiveness! I pray you continue to teach me, even if it requires painful valley’s to achieve the growth within me you desire! I am reminded that you fully understand my heart, my weaknesses, my questioning, and my doubting! I am truly thankful to have a God, who loves me unconditionally, and has a specific plan for each and every one of your children! I pray you continue to speak to the very core of my spirit and guide my path! Lord, I desire to do your work and I truly have a heart to serve you! It’s possible, my idea of serving you, is different than the path you have planned out for me! Lord, if this is the case, please reveal your path and plan for my life, as my heart yearns to be used to serve your Holy cause! Lord, I thank you, for being the kind of God, who is unconditionally loving, understanding, and forgiving! Lord, I pray you pave the path before me! I acknowledge, that I know you are moving mountains, that I can’t even see! Lord, even in the waiting, I will be patient! I will rest in you! I will use this time to learn, grow, and prepare for how you choose to use me! I love you, Lord! I continue to surrender myself to you and your plans!
Your daughter, Crystal}
