You’d think after 25 years of not living amongst my family members, I’d no longer be triggered by the level of hatred that is my childhood family. The level of hatred and dysfunction breaks my heart. Seeing my niece lifeless on that bed and family members outside her room bickering and being hateful to one another, made me want to vomit. Which I almost did! So, I say my peace to my niece and my husband and I pray over her and head back to Indiana. Why? Because I can’t handle seeing the level of hatred and the hopeless interactions that marks my family of origin. So, I stay away! As much as possible, I stay away!
In fact, every time I have to endure my family, I have panic symptoms. I have to push down the adrenaline that suddenly rushes through my body, sending my entire body into flight or fight. I no longer fight, so “flight” is engaged like a jet ready for takeoff. The “danger, danger, danger” alarm that goes off each and every time, is due to the years of neglect and abuse. I see my childhood family members, and immediately want to run away. I want to change my phone number. So many times, I’ve wanted to completely cut myself off from the people who have inflicted and continue to inflict the most harm to my sprit from the earliest years of my life.
In these moments of wanting to run away, something deep inside reminds me that I am not here for me. God has a plan and desires to use me! Seems crazy that God chooses to use me to minister to my family, as they obviously do not want to hear anything from “Goody, goody,” (my nick name my family gave me when I became a Christian at 15 years-old) me! Which is interesting, because very rarely do I feel “good”… I usually struggle with feelings of insecurity, not being enough, or being flawed. Regardless, I struggle understanding why God chooses to use me to minister to my childhood family.
Yet, I am called to minister to the people who reject me, belittle me, and hurl insults! Reminds me
of Christ’s plight and helps me to understand that he can identify with my heartache. Knowing, I am
called to minister causes such conflict-ion in my spirit… So, I will sit and wait for God to tell me to move! I will go when he INSISTS I go… but until then… I will remain here in the life where I feel loved and can easily love! I will continue to live for God, to the very best of my ability! I will work at becoming the most Godly and loving wife, mother, friend, and counselor I can be. This, is in my control! Where he leads, I will go! Until then, I’m going to pray fervently and wait on God! I am going to try to surrender the pain, worry, heartache, and uncertainty to God. I am going to love my family! Because, this is what is in my control!
“Trust in the Lord, with all your heart, mind, and soul. Lean not on your own understanding! In all your ways acknowledge him and he will guide your paths!”