The Flame Within

When People Treat You Poorly / Managing Relationships

When people treat you poorly, it’s important to remember most of the time Its not about you. This is one of the most healing lessons I’ve learned in this life. Often, people’s behavior and reponses has far more to do with them—their pain, their unresolved wounds, and their worldview—than anything you said or did. If someone is quick to judge, lash out, criticize, get angry, ignore, or belittle, it’s important to remember: they likely treat others the same way. You are not the exception; you may just be the current target.

Several Points to Remember When Managing Relationships

1. The Fruit of the Spirit

The Bible teaches us that “The Fruit of the Spirit” is the only way to determine character. Galatians 5:22 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness.” True God-following people should behold these characteristics. We need to live a life of servanthood to Christ and a servant’s life always has the qualities of The Fruit of the Spirit.

2. Don’t Take It Personally

This doesn’t excuse poor behavior, but it offers clairity and greater perspective. Taking things personally can lead us into unnecessary hurt, anger, confusion, and isolation. It warps our sense of self and can make us defensive, reactive, or even bitter. When we learn to detach from the offense and ask, “What’s going on inside of them?”… we can find peace—and often, even compassion. This is grace.

3. Remember “You Are Deeply Loved by our Loving Heavenly Father!”

One truth that anchors us in moments like this is the unfailing love of Jesus. He loves us unconditionally. His love is not based on our performance or the opinions of others. He will never leave us or forsake us. His love is constant, unshakable, and not swayed by our failures or by others’ treatment or view of us. He is always pleased with us as His children—not because we’re perfect, but because we belong to Him. When we truly embrace his unconditional love and positive regard, we stop looking to others for our worth. This concept is freeing.

4. We Ourselves Must Be Careful Not to Treat People Poorly

We often may find ourselves on the receiving end of hurtful behavior, which is challenging. However, If we fail to be intentional and kind to others, we can become the source of causing others pain. Therefore, it is important to pay attention to our words, actions, and behavior. We must pause and ask: Am I treating others the way I want to be treated? Am I carrying unhealed pain that’s causing me to push people away? In the psychology world we teach this as “self-reflection”. A saying I often heard in my training is “Counselor know thyself!” This is something I take seriously as a therapist, my lack of insight and understanding about myself can cause harm to those coming to me for help. It is vitally important to all relationships to have individual self-awareness in our reflections about ourselves.

So often, I’ve realized that a lack of close friendships isn’t necessarily about others rejecting me. It’s often about me unknowingly rejecting others. It’s worth doing the work on ourselves to have an honest, healthy view of who we are and how we relate to others. Emotional maturity requires humility and intentional self-awareness.

5. Learn to Set Healthy Boundaries

Setting appropriate boundaries is essential to all healthy relationships. Setting healthy boundaries is honoring the God-given dignity of both ourselves and others. As Christians, setting and respecting boundaries reflects love, wisdom, and mutual respect, allowing us to serve one another in truth without enabling harmful patterns or losing our God-centered identity. Boundary setting can often feel disrespectful, mean, or unkind; This is a lie from the enemy to keep us trapped in unhealthy relationships. Setting healthy boundaries is the kindest thing we can do for oursevles and those we care about.

6. Listen and Consider All Feedback

Feedback can be painful and it can sting when someone points something out in us we didn’t want to see in ourselves. Instead of becoming defensive or angry, we can choose to listen and pray. Ask God: “Is there truth in this? What do you want to show me?” Ask “wise” Christian family and friends who will be honest with you for their input. Note: Do not seek out those you know will just take your side to either keep the peace or because they like to gossip and themselves are not genuine. We all know the people who will tell us what we “need” to hear and those who will tell us what we “want” to hear. Hard feedback can be a gift when it helps us grow. True feedback helps us to become more wholesome and Christ-like people. Remember: Honest feedback is a gift.

• From the Therapy Room

As a therapist, I’ve seen this play out time and again. People bring who they are into every relationship—including the therapy room. Eventually, the way they interact with friends, coworkers, or family members will show up in how they interact with me.

Thus, it’s crucial for me to remember: This is not about me. Their reactions, their projections, their patterns—they’re part of their story, not mine. This provides me the counselor insight into how the people in their lives may be impacted in relationship with my client. My role is to model healthy communication, hold healthy boundaries, and respond with grace and clarity, while reflecting these characteristics to them in love. Many accept my reflections when I’ve been able to communicate them with love and respect for their well-being. Sadly, there are those who reject as a means of maintaining the dysfunctional pattern of “homeostasis” in their life, marriage, family, and environments.

“In family therapy, homeostasis refers to a family system’s tendency to maintain its existing patterns, behaviors, and interactions over time, even if those patterns are dysfunctional.”

Those who threaten this homeostasis is often viewed as the “bad guy”. This is one of the most difficult aspects of my job, as my heart is to help people, marriages, and family’s to heal.

• A Call to Growth

Whether you’re in therapy or just trying to grow as a person, know this: Your relationships reflect what’s going on inside of you. You can’t control how others act, but you can control how you respond. Jesus modeled love, patience, and boundaries. Let’s strive to do the same.

Because healing doesn’t just change how we see ourselves—it transforms how we treat others.

My prayer is that this message helps you to take a greater look at yourself and your relationships. Ask God to reveal areas where you have blind spots that may be hurting your relationships. Ask God to give you courage to start the process of setting healthy boundaries in areas that have caused continual pain. Ask Gos to send you friends who will speak the truth in love. Whatever the need, God will reveal areas that need healing. He is a good and loving God.

Blessings,

Crystal