The Flame Within

Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling overwhelmed, stressed, pressured, drained, confused, or even guilty? Perhaps a loved one snapped at you over something small or a co-worker constantly complains. Perhaps, a family member calls you ranting about another family member?

“This is called “triangulation” and it’s one of the most damaging and dysfunctional relationship dynamics. This is a dynamic I see often in couples counseling / family therapy. Triangulation causes significant damage and deep wounds in relationships. In fact, it is common for couples to pull the counselor into their triangulating pattern. In order to help the couple, it is essential the therapist refuse to participate in this unhealthy relationship dynamic and teach a healthier way of conflict management.”

Projection is when someone reaches out to another in frustration, anger, anxiety, or rage about situations that have emotionally dysregulated them, prior to any attempt to self-soothe. Anger is a common form of projecting, either an immediate release in spurts or a building up over time and then exploding. Projection is draining, anxiety provoking, overwhelming, and damaging to relationships. These unhealthy ways of communicating are uncomfortable and are a “thief of joy”. If you’ve experienced this, you’re not alone.

Many of us find ourselves in relationships where others unknowingly and often unintentionally project their anger, anxiety, depression, or internal struggles onto others. This form of dysfunction used regularly in relationships causes significant damage.

Note: Projection is not when a friend or loved one calls you with a concern, hurt, need, or tragedy. There is a difference between leaning on others for support and projecting one’s unhealthy emotions onto others, it is important to learn to discern the difference.

As Christians, we want to be loving, kind, supportive, helpful, encouraging, and Christ-like to others. It is essential to learn when people are seeking true support and when they are “projecting” their unhealthy ways of coping.

In order to have healthy relationships and peace in your life it is important to learn how to respond to and recognize when we ourselves project onto those we love.

What Is Projection?

“Projection is a psychological defense mechanism where someone displaces their own feelings of anger, fear, insecurity, uncertainty, anxiety, indecisiveness, and depression onto another person.”

People project in many ways… Here are a few ways projection is used in relationships.

1. They may blame you for things that are really rooted in their own unresolved pain. This is common in relationships and it involves one making a mistake of feeling overwhelmed and rather than owning their own fault of emotions, pass the fault to an innocent party.

2. I’ve witnessed how many Christian people use “prayer requests” as a means of projecting. Rather than managing their own struggles, they will quickly send off texts or call requesting prayer for whatever is causing them to suffer. These prayer requests aren’t exactly open-ended but are persistent, weighty, pushy, often “seemingly” unimportant, or demanding. This must be properly discerned to ensure you can recognize a true prayer request verses a projection of another’s own emotional dysregulation onto you.

3. Another way people project onto others is through ranting, venting, or continual demands to respond to their current situation. Rather than waiting to calm themselves down, they immediately reach out to others with their concerns, which causes their stress to be unduly placed onto another.

4. Anger is a common form of projecting. This is a common means of projection and consists of someone becoming angry at anotherparty and taking it out on an innocent family member or friend. This is the “kick the cat” scenario. This is often done in regular little spurts or built up over time to big volcanic eruptions.

The problem with “projection” is that the innocent party becomes a screen onto which their inner world is cast. While it may be unintentional, the effects are damaging to others and to the relationship.

Healthy conversations and interactions consist of sharing information in a healthy, caring, calm, and kind manner. This consists of the projecting party to work at self-soothing and calming down prior to contacting the friend or loved one. Healthy people manage their emotions on their own through prayer, reading the Bible, worship, positive self-thinking, deep breathing, exercising, and grounding techniques. These conversations look and feel pleasurable because they consist of sharing information back and forth, ensuring the interaction is meaningful between both party’s.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” — Proverbs 15:1

This verse is often quoted for conflict resolution, but it also reminds us that we are called to respond to others and to share with others. “Projection” to the other party feels more like being absorbed and drained; Whereas, healthy sharing and communication is mutual connection and effective listening.

God calls us to remain rooted in His peace, therefore, it is essential to learn to recognize relationship dynamics that have negative effects on us and the relationship. Projection is the thief of healthy relationships and the thief of another’s peace of mind and their joy. Misery loves company, but when we love others, we should want to protect their peace.

How to Handle Another’s Projection in a Relationship?

1. Recognize What Is Yours and What Is Not

Jesus did not take on the emotional baggage of everyone He encountered, he modeled healthy relationships. Jesus continually ministered with compassion, always pointed people to the love of the Father, and taught the hope of the gospel. Jesus modeled healthy relationship tactics. He helped heal many broken and sick individuals, but He did not let their dysfunction control Him. When Martha blamed Mary for not helping in the kitchen (Luke 10:40), Jesus gently corrected her, showing that the stress she was projecting wasn’t Mary’s burden to carry. This is a great example of projection and Jesus modeled how to set a healthy boundary. Projection breaks into times of connection, joy, peace, and contentment: Replacing it with anxiety, anger, stress, overwhelm, and a sense of feeling depleted.

“Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” — 1 Peter 5:7

Before you accept guilt or stress that isn’t yours, pause and ask: Is this really about me? Or are they struggling with something deeper? You are not responsible for fixing someone else’s inner turmoil or being at the end of another’s persons rants, rage, or anxiety. That’s God’s job and He’s an expert.

2. Set Healthy & Loving Boundaries

Boundaries are not unGodly, in fact they are wise, loving, and are the foundation for all healthy relationships. Jesus often withdrew from crowds to pray and recharge (Luke 5:16). He knew the importance of spiritual and emotional rest. This is an essential aspect to ensuring we don’t project onto others, withdrawing to pray and recharge before interacting with others. Jesus was a great modeler of healthy relationships.

If someone consistently projects stress or anger onto you, lovingly express how it affects you. Say something like:

“I care about you, but I also need to protect my peace. Can we talk about this when we’re both calm?”

The Bible says,

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” — Proverbs 4:23

Guarding your heart means protecting your emotional and spiritual well-being. In order to properly guard our heart it is essential we learn to manage projection.

3. Handle Your Own “Stuff” With Humility and Grace

It’s easy to focus on the dysfunction in others, but we all have the capacity to project. Our own anxiety, anger, or unmet expectations can spill onto others if we’re not aware.

Ask the Holy Spirit daily to search your heart:

“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.” — Psalm 139:23

Invite God into your stress. Journaling, prayer, and Christian counseling can be powerful tools to work through unresolved feelings so they don’t end up wounding others.

4. Root Yourself in the Hope of Christ

We live in a broken world with broken people—including ourselves. But Christ offers us something the world cannot: peace that surpasses understanding (Philippians 4:7). When you root yourself in Him, other people’s storms won’t capsize your boat.

When others are overwhelmed, you can stay grounded. When you are tempted to lash out, you can pause and choose love. Hope is not found in changing people—it’s found in anchoring yourself in Jesus.

Final Thoughts

You cannot control how others process their pain, but you can control how you respond. Don’t carry what God never asked you to carry. Don’t fight spiritual battles using fleshly weapons. Instead, lean into His grace, set loving boundaries, and ask Him to transform both your heart and the hearts of those around you.

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” — Matthew 5:9

Projection is the thief of peace in people and in relationships. Learn to recognize the signs and how to implement healthy boundaries and transition to ensure healthy relationships and tranquility in your life. Peace starts in you. Let it flow out—not from perfection, but from the Prince of Peace Himself.

Blessings, Crystal

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