The Lord revealed something to me about myself this past week. It wasn’t easy, but He was gentle in accordance with His character.
A little background history: I was saved at the age of 15 in a little Baptist church down the street from my church. My upbringing wasn’t, let’s say “easy”. You see my family members, had developed a reputation, and I being the youngest of seven children, was fully expected to develop the same lifestyle “reputation”, but God had other plans for my life.
Once I walked down the aisle to receive Christ into my heart, I knew I needed Him in a real way. Due to my upbringing and the insecurity in my heart as a result, I CLUNG to Him with EVERYTHING inside of me. It was a mighty road, a burdensome road, and a heart breaking path, but I couldn’t have become who and what I am today, without the hope I found in Christ.
What did I do to become a “somebody”? What Did I do to overcome the trauma from my childhood? How did I face the deep ridden pain and rejection, deep within my heart?
I clung to God. I clung to His word. I gave it my all and relied on the promises in my Bible. You know what? It’s all I had! I had very few supportive and loving family members. I CLUNG with all my might! When I needed someone to hold me, there wasn’t anyone in sight, so I cried out to God in those dark lonely nights… “Hold me Father! Please, just put your arms around me, and help me go to sleep! I feel so alone… I need you… I need to know I’m loved!”
You know what?
He did just that! Night after night, The Lord became my touch. After I called out to Him, I would feel a warmth wash over my body. God came, right when I needed Him, without His love I would not be where I am today.
God is “VERY” real to me! He’s more real than my ever-so-loving husband. He was there, in the loneliness of my past, He opened doors over and over again to guide me into the path of becoming a “somebody”. He provided people a long the way to offer a helping hand, just when I needed it most; whether the need was a financial matter, an emotional issue, if I needed spiritual encouragement, or a place to live. You know… Looking back… I see He had my back!
As a result of my past… As a result of truly “NEEDING” God in such an intimate way… As a result of my loneliness… As result of my pain… He’s become very “real” to me!
Still today… I continually seek God in all aspects of my life. Whether it be in conflict, finances, or spiritual warfare, I know I NEED Him to face this life.
I try my hardest to obey His word, to be the “woman” He desires me to be, to fully surrender my life to His plan.
Despite my dependence on God, I’m still a sinful being, I fail all of the time, God often reveals the sin in my own heart.
This past week, The Lord revealed a lack of Godly love in my heart. You see… I realized I’m impatient with others, in their personal walk with God, and I attempt to “tell” them what will work for them.
My acquired skill set… What has “worked” for me… Is trying to be the “good girl”.
I mean… Who wants to take a girl into their home, who’s not a “good girl”? How would I have “ever” changed people’s preconceived expectations over my life, had I not been a “good girl”? How would I have overcome my life’s preset destination had I not been the “good girl”? Had I not been the “good girl”, my life would have turned out much differently!
You see… The “good girl” skill set came in handy in my life.
Yet, without realizing it… I’ve attempted to force people to take my tools and use them to figure out their own lives.
My tool set isn’t bad, yet, God spoke into my heart… “Crystal, just love them! Can you love them right where they’re at? Let them figure “me” out for themselves.” Ouch…. Truly… Out of my own love, I’ve tried to use my tool set, to guide their paths onto the path that worked for me. Yet, God spoke into my being, “Can you just “love” them with “my” love? Pray for them, encourage them, and love them with “my” love, not your own.
I think I need to apologize to “anyone”, my sister, my husband, my children, my friends; for the many times I have loved with my own self centered love, rather than the unconditional love of Christ!
Friends, It is my prayer that no matter what tool set you choose to utilize to guide you through life, that it ultimately leads you to the “real” love of a God!
Mathew 11:28; “Come all who are weary and heavy ladened and I will give you rest.”
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