The Flame Within

Alarm rings… My first thought… “Ugh… It’s so early…  I hate mornings…  Do I really have to wake up?  I really need to get out of this bed… but I can’t, I’m soooooo tired…  Oh… boy, what is that loud banging above my head?”

{Thud} {Thud} {Bang}…

“Seriously, why must I wake up to loud banging everyday?  I should really need to get up and get control of those boys, before someone gets hurt.”

At this point… I groggily and grumpily climb out my bed… My ever so comfortable… warm… bed.  I drag my feet to the bottom of the stairs… In a loud voice I yell…  “Boys…  What is going on?  Why do I hear all that banging…  You know the rules….  Calm DOWN!”

At this point there is a nudge… a gentle nudge… Within my heart…  {Crystal…  What happened to good morning kids?  Are these the memories you want your children to have as adults?  The fruits of the spirit is love, joy, patience, kindness, gentleness, forbearance, goodness, and self-control!}

“Oh yea… right!”

Coffee in hand…  Walking around the house…  Chasing down shoes…  Finding backpacks…  Moments of tenderness, mixed with moments of irritation and frustration.  I notice the clock.. yikes… I yell across the house,  “Kids your late…  Let’s go!  Your going to miss the bus!  [NOW]…. Let’s go!”

Again that gentle nudge…  A whisper from within… {Crystal…  Grab their little hands…  Pray with these little ones..  Entrust them into my care for the day… Pray they make good choices.}  Depending on “how late” the kids are for the bus, this vitally important task may or may not get accomplished.  If it does…  I think…  “Awesome job Crystal…  See your a good mom.  You sent your kids off in prayer…  You listened to God…  Your teaching your children to love and focus on God.”  If the morning prayer doesn’t get said…  I think to myself… “Crystal, you are a terrible mother!  What if something happens to those boys at school today?  What if they are faced with peer pressure…  you should have made time to pray for them.”  I think to myself, “Ugh…  I will try HARDER to make time to pray tomorrow!”

I watch my little ones walk to that big yellow bus…  Suddenly… they look so much smaller from afar than they did when I kissed them goodbye.  I ponder, “They are so little…  Why can’t I be more patient… more organized… more…..?   These days are flying by…  I need to cherish these moments… I need to journal… I need to scrapbook… I need to…”

I wave goodbye to that big yellow school bus, filled with tired and sleepy kiddos.  I turn around and walk in the house.

The day progresses…  Everywhere I look I see reminders of my children. “Ugh… shoes on the steps, waffle pieces glued to the floor with syrup…  Thinking to myself… “I should really feed them more healthy foods.” Walking to the living room I step on a Lego. “Ouch ouch ouch… Why can’t they pick up their junk…?”  I grab the laundry basket and walk up the stairs to their bedroom… I immediately spot a pair of dirty underwear under the bed… (hey, this is my story… and my kids have been known to find secret places to hide dirty underwear).  I bend down to pick up the underwear and notice my six year old boy’s teddy bear lying on his bed, Mr. Bear, the teddy he has slept with every night since he was born.  I sit down on his bed…. Hold that raggidy old bear up to my face…  I hug it… I smell it… “Wow… that stinks… this thing needs washed!” Looking around their room…  I see memories everywhere… fond feelings of love erupts from deep within my spirit.  As I sit on Daniel’s bed… holding Mr. Bear… I pray, “Lord, I love these little people you have blessed me with!  I thank you for placing them in my home!  Please, Lord help me to love them better, to be a more loving, caring, and patient mother!  I can’t do it on my own!  I know I need you!  Lord, help me to notice the joyful aspects of mothering, rather than continually seeing difficulties and struggles.  Help me to notice the blessings and to cherish these days I am blessed to stay home and raise these little ones. Thank you for blessing me with these little ones!”

My day continues…  Pouring myself my 4th cup of coffee…  My daughter says, “Mommy, I want to have a tea party!”  In her sweetest voice she looks at me and says, “Mommy, will you please have a tea party with me?” Thinking to myself, “I don’t have time for a tea party right now… I have laundry to do, the floor needs mopped, I need to make lunch. I need to….”

Again the gentle nudge…  {One day you will long to have these days back!  Make time for a tea party!  Pick her up kiss her, tell you love her…  that you {cherish} her!  Tell her you would love to have a tea party with her.}  I pick her up… I look into her big blue eyes and say, “Caroline, I love you so much!  Let’s go play for a few minutes… Okay?  We can have a tea party, then mommy has some work to do…  Okay?”  The joy that fills my heart as she looks at me with those big blue eyes… eyes filled with such love and tenderness… overwhelms and delights my soul.  “Thank you Lord!  I love this little girl so much!  Thank you!  I am so blessed!”

The day continues on in like fashion… lunch, nap, a little shopping, cleaning…

Four O’Clock roles around quicker than I expected.

The big yellow bus drops off 3 VERY rowdy boys at the end of my street.  They run home eager to see me, eager to play outside, and eager to be home.

I ask them about their day…  And offer them a snack.  Within minutes they run off to play outside.

Dinner hour approaches…  [Yep… I’m not even going here!]  Let’s just say…  I don’t care to share what goes on in my head during the dinner crunch… It’s rarely pretty!   And typically I’m not patient or loving!   Your laughing…  Because you know???… You know just what I am talking about!

Dinnertime is a time to chat, share our day,.. Usually we have to calm the kids down, tell them not to fart or burp at the table… we have to listen to them whine about not liking the food.  Every once in awhile…we have a nice conversation.   Usually we share lots of laughter.

Bath time is mixed with a tired mommy… Chores… And overly hyper and rambunctious children.  Our evening routine continues. Finally… we’re all sitting sitting in circle for family time, a child or two on each parent’s lap… We go around the circle and share “one good thing and one bad thing about our day… We laugh… We pray. I love my kids’ big bear hugs… Their my favorite part of the day. Especially, my 6 year old… he gets the award for the best hugger.  He holds tight… and never lets go.  This makes me laugh as I have typically have to tickle him to get away.  The day ends… [Just kidding]…  Ya’ll know… it’s never that easy. [The children get out of bed 100 x’s (or at least it feels like 100 x’s)… they have to go to the bathroom… they need a drink of water… their scared… they fight… they jump… they bounce… they…]  It seems the children will [never] fall asleep.  Before you know it… silence… they’re asleep.

After the silence hits the house.  I begin… planning for another day… another day like today… [tomorrow]. Tomorrow the same thing… the same routine… the same struggles… the same joys.

I finish up the laundry… finalize the nightly cleaning… all in preparation for [tomorrow].  The beautiful gift of [tomorrow].

Exhausted I climb into bed… Pondering the day.  The lights go out and my brain processes the day.  Closing my eyes… I lift a final prayer to the Father…

“Dear Lord,  I am exhausted!  I am truly thankful… and truly exhausted!  Thank you for today!  Thank you for my husband and my children!  Lord, please help me tomorrow… to be a better mother than I was today.  Help me to be more patient… more loving… to spend more time with the children… to notice the blessings… to see the beauty in my job as [mom].  Thank you for this feeling… the feeling of knowing all is well.. the kids are healthy… happy… and knowing there is love in this home.  Thank you for loving me… for loving them!  Amen!”