The Flame Within

There are only a few things in life that really irritate me. One thing that irritates me the most is when people are “fake” or “inauthentic”. I remember as a teenager seeing my family arguing and being superbly angry… then leaving for church and watching as these furious faces turned to gay smiles and laughter. I remember feeling dumbfounded and confused! I also recall these happy gay faces turn right back to anger and fury once we were in the car headed back home.  This is not who I am… I am not fake and I am NOT good at hiding my emotions! So, today I’ve decided to stay home from church.

Let me explain, today is Mother’s Day! This is supposed to be a happy day, a together day! Having woken up to a, let’s just say, a less than celebratory Mother’s Day… My feelings were crushed! Honestly, I’ve been fighting back tears all morning! I mean, I don’t want to ruin my freshly plastered make-up. So I’ve been fighting and I mean pushing back the flood of tears that are trying so desperately to pour from my eyes. Here’s the thing… I don’t think of myself as a woman with super high expectations. Is it expecting too much to want to be acknowledged and to feel cherished one day a year. My expectations consisted of a few flowers and a card or two on the table when I came down Sunday morning for coffee. Is that a lot to ask for on Mother’s Day??? Not sure why this hurts more than other forms of rejection. Perhaps it’s because I get “very little” appreciation for the many things I do throughout the year. Perhaps it’s because I grew up with a less than ideal childhood and have spent my life working hard to be the best mother I could be.  It’s easy to take for granted the most amazing gift a child could be given… a caring, Godly, and sacrificial mother.  Unless, you know what it feels like to long for the very thing everyone around you seems to take for granted. What I would have given to have a mother who was able to care for me in that manner? Perhaps it’s because I truly sacrifice so much of my life, my thinking, my emotions, my time, my energy for my husband and four children.

Perhaps it’s not an unreal expectation!  I don’t know all the answers, that’s for sure! Nor do I understand why my husband can sacrifice an entire weekend thinking about and building a sand box (which is an awesome thing for my kids and makes me very happy, but can’t seem to add in picking up flowers and purchasing a card to his list).  Or why my 16 year old is such a hard worker and spent his hard-earned dollars buying gear this week for his lawn mowing business (which I’m beyond proud of, But, can’t seem to muster up $10 for flowers and a card.) Is this wrong of me to think these thoughts? Is it wrong of me to skip church because my heart feels crushed? Maybe so! Yet, I am human! I am made up of flesh and blood! I do bleed when cut! I cry when hurt!  I feel sad when forgotten. And… selfishly, I do have minimal expectations for Mother’s Day!

I wish I was a completely selfless mother who could handle these types of Mother’s Day struggles with grace and thankfulness.  Regardless, I’m not there yet! Perhaps, it’s something I need to aspire for… but I’m just not there today! So for today, I’ll stay home from church, even though it breaks every fiber of my heart.  I’m just not able to plaster on a fake smile, when my heart is hurting!  And… I don’t wish for this ability either, because I hate inauthenticity!

Maybe, next year I’ll be a little more mature! Maybe next year I will have grown spiritually and be able to better handle the lack of appreciation.  Maybe next year, I will have developed defenses to help keep my heart from being hurt to this extent. Maybe next year, I’ll be a mother that can be appreciated.  Maybe, next year my family will have seen how hurt I was and actually do a little thinking and planning.

I guess we’ll just have to see what next year brings…

Today, has not been the Mother’s Day I’d hoped imagined.  Please know I’m not defeated! Sad and disappointed… but not defeated! I’ll get through today and things will return to normal tomorrow.  I’ll find it in my heart to forgive and will not hold a week long grudge, because that is not who I am.  I will allow myself to feel what I feel today, I will allow God to speak to my heart!  Most importantly, I still love my husband and my children unconditionally!  My love and affection has not, nor will it ever change!  I will allow myself to be hurt today… because I couldn’t stop it if I tried!

I take pride in being authentic and this blog post is definitely authentic and raw.  If this post bothers you, “I am sorry!”  I really wish I had a different outcome for Mother’s Day today…  If you relate to this blog in anyway, “I hope it helps to know that even the happiest and loved mother’s occasionally have a rotten Mother’s Day!

Perhaps, some of you mom’s have experienced a similar Mother’s Day. Perhaps, this is your Mother’s Day every year. Perhaps, you’d give anything to be a mother.  Perhaps, you recently lost your mother and will have a bittersweet day of grieving in the midst of trying to find joy.  If so, I feel for you today!

Know that your not alone! Know that what you do matters… even if it’s not appreciated on one special day in the year! After all, “The hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world!”

P.S. I know deep down that I am loved. I know that my children and husband would really struggle without me around. I know that deep down they know it too! I also know, that although I’m not perfect, I am a wonderful mother!  Perhaps, unless your a momma you just can’t understand what our hearts feel on this “special day”. Perhaps, my sweet family lacked planning because they are unaware of how deeply a lack of acknowledgment would hurt me.  I know if they understood my heart… I know they’d be more determined to make this day special!

Happy Mother’s Day!

(Wish this could have been a happy, peppy, feel good message. But let’s face it… life isn’t always happy and peppy! Right?)

Love, Crystal