The Flame Within

As a counselor, one of the most concerning and heart-breaking issues facing our nation, is adult-child and parent estrangement. I have seen in my office first hand the intense pain caused by estrangement. I’ve witnessed and counseled parents and adult-children, who’ve been impacted by this cultural trend.

In our increasingly divided culture, estrangement receives little focus and attention. Estrangement is a painful separation occurring in families, where adult-children and parents no longer communicate. The estrangement between parents and adult- children is on the rise, it has become a common and has become a trend. In Christian families, this separation brings not only emotional pain but deep spiritual grief.

The Pain of the Parent

For many parents, the silence of a son or daughter who no longer calls, writes, or shows up is more painful than anything they’ve ever endured. It’s especially painful when the adult-child cuts off complete and total communication. This causes a sense of grief that seems consistent with the loss that comes with the death of a child. In some ways, it seems worse because the parent knows their child is living, but they’re completely cut-off, instilling deep rejection and intense pain. In this scenario, the parent is unable to fully grieve and unable to move toward healing, they feel stuck. They feel stuck, between the constant longing of reunification and the hopelessness of the adult-child’s determination to remain silent and cut off. These parents feel stuck, because in this situation they often are stuck. These parent is completely unable to communicate and their left feeling completely powerless. Parents are filled with sorrow, confusion, guilt, and shame. Continually asking themselves, “Where did I go wrong?” This is a question that echoes inside of them endlessly. The parental heart, was designed by God to nurture and guide, and estrangement leaves them aching and feeling a deep void.

Parents often replay memories of their children over and over, with no hope of making new memories in the present or future. It feels to them like memories are all they have and they replay them in their minds over and over. These parent’s feel alone, as the grief is often hidden because few understand their pain, they may feel embarrassed, and struggle to share their experience. In addition, there are limited resources to help them process and endure their pain. Estrangement is painful, it is important to remember that there is hope.

The Perspective of the Adult Child

Adult children oftentimes have real hurt, pain, trauma, and brokenness that causes them to make the decision to cutoff communication with their parent(s). It is important to remember the adult-child’s decision to cut off the relationship is not easy and is certainly not without great pain. In addition, the decision to cut off communication is usually not made in haste. The decision is most often arrived upon after years of enduring dysfunctional patterns of emotional neglect, feeling controlled, years of manipulation, abuse (physical, mental, sexual, or spiritual), and years of feeling unheard / unseen. Adult children are finally learning to name the trauma they experienced in their family of origin—sometimes subtle, sometimes severe. They most often lack the understanding of how to manage painful parent relationships and as a result, feel the only choice they have is to cut off communication.

The current culture of “cutting off toxicity” encourages adult children to sever ties as a form of self-protection and empowerment. Unfortunately, while it may provide immediate relief, it can also bypass the hard, redemptive work of healing and boundary-setting within the relationship. This is heartbreaking because it leaves the adult-child, the parents, grandchildren, and the relationship in a perpetually broken and unhealed state. It is true, in some severe cases estrangement might be the only safe option. All too often, it is chosen prematurely, without deep discussions, attempts at redefining the relationship, learning to set healthy boundaries, or attempts at reconciliation.

The Cultural Climate

There is a growing cultural message that says, “If someone—even your parent—hurts you, cut them out of your life. This is a tragic tool of the enemy that rips family’s apart and causes tremendous pain to adult-children and their parent(s). The Christian response is not to cancel people out of your life but to begin with confronting in love, seek understanding, and pursuing healing when possible (Matthew 18:15-17, Romans 12:18).

The healthy response to adult-children and parent struggles is rarely complete estrangement. Instead, God invites us into the hard work of honest conversations, learning to implement healthy boundaries, forgiveness, and even therapy. If these tools prove to be ineffective, temporary estrangement should be considered first, as a firm boundary. Followed by firmer boundaries, such as complete estrangement if abuse persues. It is important to know that God can redeem what is broken.

When Estrangement is Necessary

There are cases, when estrangement is the only option. In situations of ongoing emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, the safest and healthiest decision may be distance. God never asks His children to remain in relationships where they are being abused. Psalm 34:18 reminds us, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

After the adult-child has made attempts at healthy repair in love, if the parent(s) persists in causing harm, then estrangement may be the only option. When a parent refuses to change and fails to acknowledge harm, or if an adult child is unsafe (emotionally, physically, or spiritually); Stepping away from the relationship may be the necessary boundary. At times, this firm boundary may be the avenue to healing, as the parent is forced with the decision to make healthy changes or forfeit the relationship with their adult-child. In extreme cases when estrangement is the only option, it is important to remember that healing can still happen with God, but the relational restoration may not be possible on this side of eternity.

A Call to Healing

Parents

If you find yourself in this painful situation, pray, grieve, repent if needed, and release your child to God. It is important to remember in your distress to not succumb to the dysfunctional tactics that most-likely caused your child to halt communication. Never push your child to reconcile, do not use manipulative techniques in an attempt to control them, and never use shame as a means of guilting them into coming back. Always portray unconditional love, own the pain your behavior caused, and ensure they know that your door—and your heart— is there upon their return.

Most importantly, ask the Lord to grow you in this season. Use this pain-filled season to work on becoming the healthiest version of yourself. Dive into God’s word, pray without ceasing, get involved in Bible studies, seek out a wise Christian counselor, and talk to spiritually wise mentors. This time of estrangement should not be wasted growing bitterness and resentment, or thinking you’re right and they’re wrong. This is a sure way to ensure your child stays away for a very long time. It is time to learn new communication skills, life skills, healthy relationship skills, and grow in your faith.

Adult-children

This is a time for you to seek healing, not just distance. I know for a fact that distance itself will not resolve the pain you’re experiencing. In fact, it can lengthen the pain you’re experiencing and can cause regrets if you’re choosing to walk away because just because it’s easier. Ask yourself: Am I seeking true peace, or just silence? Have I attempted to learn healthy ways of relating to, setting boundaries, and redefining the relationship? , If at all possible, avoid the extremes of total cutoff if the relationship is merely strained, not unsafe.

Special note: I am sorry for the pain you’ve endured. I know firsthand the pain that comes from abusive / neglectful parents. I know the void it leaves in your heart. I’ve lived through this pain for many years. The process of redefining the relationship in Christ, rather than walking away in total estrangement has allowed me to live in peace and has left me with no regrets on the other side. Know the Lord is your Father and He will carry you and guide you through the process. The Lord has used this tremendously painful trial my life to teach me many wonderful life lessons, to strengthen my resolve and grow my confidence. Your pain is not in vain when the Lord is your guide. Be sure the Lord is guiding you and never the enemy who comes to steal, kill, and destroy.

Hope in Christ

Jesus understands estrangement—He knows the pain you feel and he empathizes with us in our most painful life trials. He was betrayed, misunderstood, disowned, and crucified. Jesus, knows the impact of abuse and He cares about your heart. His life was marked by compassion, truth, and an unrelenting pursuit of reconciliation. That is our model too. Let, it be your model for processing and working through the pain caused to you by everyone, especially your parent(s).

Remember, there is hope. God is a restorer of the brokenhearted, a reconciler of families, and a redeemer of our most painful stories. God created the family and his heart rejoices when parents and children find unity and healing. Sadly, not every relationship can be healed—but remember this… every heart can be. Keep praying. Keep growing. Keep hoping.

“All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to Himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation.” – 2 Corinthians 5:18

Blessings, Crystal Ridlon, LPC