The Flame Within

Recently I spent a week at Liberty University for an intensive in the pursuit of earning my degree as a mental health counselor.  These classes aren’t called intensives for no reason, they are INTENSE!  The work load alone in these classes is intense but, the hardest part is the level of sensitivity to your emotions.  I am not complaining, God has been healing my heart tremendously due to these classes.  However, the intensity on your emotions is tough and I mean TOUGH!!!  God desires to heal my heart from the inside/out.  This healing has taken places in doses over the past several years, but lately it’s been a marathon.  The last week was very hard on me!  God challenged me to take risks, fight the inner resistance to pull away, to run or simply numb up and close off!  I challenged myself prior to taking the course, “I can’t ask my future clients to do something I have been unwilling to do myself.!”  Despite the tears, despite Satan’s desire to keep pent up hurt and pain suppressed in my soul, I “DETERMINED” to allow God to walk me through the healing process, even if it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

Friends, For 36 years I have been suppressing my pain, fear, and bitterness!  I was abused as a child!  For the first time, God wanted me to say these things out loud, not under my breath, or haphazardly mentioning it in passing, but to really let it sink it, that I had been abused. Through the catalyst of the “group process” I was sent back into my childhood and was forced to face the pain that has haunted me my entire life.  Unbeknownst to myself, I have been living with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome my entire life!  Funny, I’ve been taking counseling courses for a year, I’ve read about this syndrome, never in my wildest imagination did I think, I had PTSD.  Why?  Because I have hidden my pain and fears!  In order to survive my childhood abuse, I had to be a survivor, I never had anyone saying, “Crystal, it’s okay.  You were hurt!  You were abused!  Let’s talk this out, let’s get you some in depth therapy!  Let me pray with you!  It’s okay to cry, there is healing in our tears!”  No instead, many people (some very well intentioned) said, “You got to hold your head up high!  You can’t focus on yourself, you must focus on other people! Why aren’t you trusting God?” My personal symptoms resulting from being abused, scared people, so they would say…  “Read the scriptures!  Pray to God!  Focus on the blessings around you!  Look up not down!”  Why, because they didn’t know… They didn’t understand. Don’t get me wrong, some of this is good advice, but after one has taken the {proper} paths to healing.  Let me just say, “This frustrates me, and really hurts me. If anyone leaned on God, IT WAS ME!  If anyone ran to Him for help in prayer, IT WAS ME!  If anyone read the Word of God, IT WAS ME!  If anyone NEEDED God, IT WAS ME!”  He’s all I had and I RAN to Him and still RUN to Him everyday!  Others who lived in the same abusive home self-medicated with drugs, alcohol, sex, and so many harmful things to simply numb the pain.  I medicated with God, with worship music, with scriptures!  I have never been drunk, never done drugs, and ALWAYS medicated with God… His love, His comfort, His healing, and His word. So, when someone tells me I’m not trusting God enough and that is why I am not healed, I want to scream!

It’s so much easier to tell people what they {should} be doing or {shouldn’t} be doing, rather than being present and {just loving} the person through their pain. However, I am certain that the scriptures commands us to love one another, not to tell everyone what to do!

When people should have held my hand, walked with me, found me a good therapist, loved me through my childhood dysfunction, most people {PUSHED} me to just “GET OVER IT!”  I’m a survivor, so I made it work, I worked with what I had available to me at the time. However, I am now 36 years old and I have just realized a VERY painful realization.
“I HAVE NEVER FULLY DEALT WITH MY FEARS, PAIN, AND REJECTION FROM MY CHILDHOOD ABUSE, NEGLECT, AND REJECTION!!!”

Part of my healing lies in informing people how to walk with an abused person. How to walk them through their pain and how to aid individuals into the path of true healing!

You know… Coming to grips, really admitting to myself my abuse, recognizing my 36 years of PTSD responses, all of it has been VERY DiFFICULT!

However, it’s not near as difficult as living 36 years pretending to be healed, thinking I was healed, but feeling the inner turmoil that few saw within my heart!  Nothing about my healing process has been harder than pretending for 36 years I am something I am not, whole, unbroken, completely healed, and living a life of complete inner healing. For awhile my heart may ache as I walk through the abuse from my childhood, as I face triggers and the fear of my life-long defense mechanisms.

I KNOW with God walking this path with me, healing is inevitable, and He will continue to be my protective wall. I’m eternally grateful for the Savior’s love! I’m eternally grateful to know that with Christ living inside my heart, healing is certain, and a victorious life is a very real possibility.

I love God! I love my Savior! I will always live to serve Him and continue to walk the path of healing, even when it seems too tough. You know why, Because God is in the healing business….

And…
I TRUST HIM WITH MY HEART!

Proverbs 3:6, ” In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight!”