The Flame Within

Disappointment… utterly heart-wrenchingly sad… To give so much…. And watch it unravel before your very eyes.  To know your best wasn’t good enough.  Such an awful sinking feeling washes over my heart and soul.  As a loved one rejects God…  Thus rejecting  you… Speaking paralyzingly painful words  into your heart.  This hardship has endured for almost a month… My soul… weary… My emotions… raw.  My heart… Sad.  Literally feels bruised within my chest. One thing I know for sure… There’s no controlling the emotions of a crushed spirit.  Eventually the hurt… Disappointment… And sadness will overflow… Either in the form of anger, tears, or unhealthy behavior.  For me the hurt and disappointment overflowed in the form of endless tears and gut wrenching sobs.  Sobs from one who grieves… One who hurts… One who’s confused… One who’s disappointed.

Suppress… Suppress… Suppress… The art of suppression only works for so long… Eventually your heart reaches it’s maximum “all I can handle” limit and explodes. In this particular case… My heart’s “all I can handle” limit happened at the beginning of Bible study. Sounds like a perfect place to be broken… Right? Not exactly… Today’s churches have  unfortunately become another place that expects you to be happy and perfect… All the time. Not always a place that allows you to be “real”, especially if your “real” at that time is… broken and sad. The world tells us… “It’s  never okay to cry… It’s never okay to be sad.  Toughen up!  Don’t take it personally.  Just hand it over to God!  Don’t worry!  Trust God!”  This unfortunately is the motto of the world… “No room here to handle your brokenness… Your disappointment… Your pain.”

Unfortunatelay the world and even many of today’s churches… Sends a quiet message… You’re only welcome if you are completely whole… And without any form of blemish or scarring.  Thus… Much of the population remains unchurched.  We hide our true selves… Our “real” everyday pain and struggles behind a facade.  Our daily attire consists of a happy plastic face.  Always wearing it to hide the fact that we are imperfect… That our hearts do break… To hide our “real” self.  Always trying to show the world we’ve got it all together.  Yet… How many of us truly have it all together?  If we had it all together…  Would we need God?

I find myself questioning… Am I enough?  Is there anywhere I can go… To just be “me”?

You see… I’m imperfect… I’m broken… I’m sensitive to a fault.  I’m scarred. I have wounds.  In time and with intense therapy my wounds have begun to turn to scars. Problem is… my scars occasionally still bleed. It’s usually when I least expect it… The wounds will reopen and threaten to steal my present day joy, hope, and peace.  Despite my best intentions the past still occasionally creeps up on me… And at times the broken pieces of “me” challenges my current day healing.

I begin to wonder… Can the world handle the “real” me?  Can the church handle the “real” me?

I’m certainly not a human picture of perfection.  I’ll be the first to admit… I am not perfect! In fact…  I’m broken. God has been working overtime to mend my brokenness. Yet… After all these years of healing and thousands of dollars in therapy costs… I still feel the broken pieces of my inner child deep within my being.

I’m NOT a perfect… smooth… and flawless pot. I’m a pot that appears from a far to be whole… But up close you will notice the ridges, holes, and rough edges. Up close you will notice the broken places. Can the world handle me just the way I am?  Does the world want an imperfect pot?

To my amazement… God has somehow continues to use me despite my broken past… my childhood scars… He continues to make something beautiful out of my brokenness… He’s saved me! In Him… “I am a survivor!”

Occasionally… I will still question… Am I good enough for this world? Am I good enough for the church?

Yet… In my questioning… I WIILL remember… God chose me for Himself… Therefore I will claim God’s words… “I am enough!” “I am enough!”