Today I write from a place in the past, not looking into the future, but recognizing the present.
Looking into the past I recall…
A young woman eager to marry.
A positive sign on a test, indicating “soon to be a mother”.
A little red headed baby boy, the first to call me momma”.
A young mother overwhelmed with the present.
A fatigued mother from years of sleep deprivation.
An eager mother, praying I would make it through another day.
A mother feeling such guilt, she cries herself to sleep.
A poor wife and mother living in inefficient square footage.
A tired momma watching little boys grow and picturing future prospects almost impossible.
A time when thoughts of major milestones seemed too far off.
A mother who learned early, that prayer is the greatest tool in a her toolbox.
Today, I write the thoughts of today with still so much future ahead, and realizing the future of the past is today.
I know what 16 years of marriage looks and feels like.
I know the fear of watching your first child walk into a junior high and a high school
I know the bittersweet emotions, realizing the second oldest boy is following the leader.
I know the fear of sitting next to the bedside of ill children.
I know the definition of true empathy, as a mother watchers her children experience crushing dreams and consequences of mistakes.
I know all the fear of watching that one child with the wildest hair, test boundaries.
I know the depth of a mother’s love, no matter what the offense, the love never fades.
I know the frustration of deep ridden sibling rivalry.
I know that bittersweet feeling, when those children stand taller, stronger, and more mature.
I know the fear of knowing there is only 3 full years left before your oldest child heads to college.
I know the fear of watching your baby turn into a little girl.
I know the sadness felt watching your baby grow up and knowing there will never be another.
I know the guilt a mother feels, as she looks back over the years, and knows there was so much more she could’ve and should’ve done.
I know the love, joy, fear, frustration, anger, and concern of a seasoned mother.
I am a seasoned mother who understands all too well, the surreal emotions of recognizing the past is the present.
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