The Flame Within

Today I write from a place in the past, not looking into the future, but recognizing the present.

Looking into the past I recall…

A young woman eager to marry.

A positive sign on a test, indicating “soon to be a mother”.

A little red headed baby boy, the first to call me momma”.

A young mother overwhelmed with the present.

A fatigued mother from years of sleep deprivation.

An eager mother, praying I would make it through another day.

A mother feeling such guilt, she cries herself to sleep.

A poor wife and mother living in inefficient square footage.

A tired momma watching little boys grow and picturing future prospects almost impossible.

A time when thoughts of major milestones seemed too far off.

A mother who learned early, that prayer is the greatest tool in a her toolbox.

Today, I write the thoughts of today with still so much future ahead, and realizing the future of the past is today.

I know what 16 years of marriage looks and feels like.

I know the fear of watching your first child walk into a junior high and a high school

I know the bittersweet emotions, realizing the second oldest boy is following the leader.

I know the fear of sitting next to the bedside of ill children.

I know the definition of true empathy, as a mother watchers her children experience crushing dreams and consequences of mistakes.

I know all the fear of watching that one child with the wildest hair, test boundaries.

I know the depth of a mother’s love, no matter what the offense, the love never fades.

I know the frustration of deep ridden sibling rivalry.

I know that bittersweet feeling, when those children stand taller, stronger, and more mature.

I know the fear of knowing there is only 3 full years left before your oldest child heads to college.

I know the fear of watching your baby turn into a little girl.

I know the sadness felt watching your baby grow up and knowing there will never be another.

I know the guilt a mother feels, as she looks back over the years, and knows there was so much more she could’ve and should’ve done.

I know the love, joy, fear, frustration, anger, and concern of a seasoned mother.

I am a seasoned mother who understands all too well, the surreal emotions of recognizing the past is the present.