The Flame Within

"All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work." 2 Timothy 3:16-17

  • You left me…

    You’ve gone before.

    I wasn’t ready.

    My heart is bleeding.

    Your void intense.

    Your presence… I miss.

    I know I’ll see you again.

    Selfishly, it’s not soon enough.

    Too long…  Not to see your smile.

    I miss you… now.

    I long to talk to… now.

    I know we’ll meet again in Heaven.

    God called you home.

    I need you here.

    You left and I was inadequately prepared.

    I would have never been prepared.

    Impossible to easily let you go.

    “You” one the greatest saints who walked this Earth’s soil.

    I’m glad you no longer suffer in pain.

    Makes me smile, to picture you dancing on the streets of gold.

    I’m excited for you!

    I pray Lord…

    Please comfort my aching heart.

    Remind me of your Heavenly promise.

    Lord, I trust you.

    Although I can’t understand.

    I believe in your Word, and Your plan.

    The tears will fall.

    My heart will hurt.

    You love will comfort… guide… and strengthen my heart.

    When grief arises.

    I know where comfort is found.

    Lord, your love blankets my hurting soul.

    I wait in eager anticipation.

    My heart longs for my Eternal home.

    For the day I meet Jesus, face to face.

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    Today I picked up the phone.
    I longed to talk to you.
    To hear your compassionate voice.

    Your voice has always been such a comfort to my heart.
    So unique… so deep… so tender.
    Such love escaped your lips.

    You understood my heart.
    Always knew what to say.
    Your words calmed my soul.

    As long as I can remember,
    You were my biggest fan.
    My childhood hero.

    This week was tough.
    I needed familiarity.
    I longed to hear your comforting voice.

    You somehow knew how to make my troubles seem smaller.
    Your tone… Your encouragement… Your love for God.
    Always helped place life’s circumstances in perspective.

    I miss your strong hugs.
    Your easy going demeanor.
    I miss your contagious smile.

    I miss your southern accent.
    Your boisterous laugh.
    I miss your presence on Earth.

    Unexpectedly the tears fall.
    I can’t pick up the phone, I can no longer hear your voice.
    I can recall the happy times we shared.

    Your steadfastness… Your Godly character… Your giving spirit…
    Abide within my soul.
    Within my heart, you will always be.

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    Being a parent is a blessing.
    A unique opportunity.
    Rich…
    Deep….
    Ultimately fulfilling.

    Being a parent means countless hours.
    Enriched with Fun…
    Lots of laughter…
    Deep rooted pride.

    Being a parent means love.
    Having children…
    Feels like your heart is walking around outside of our body.
    Joy… Oh, the joy of being a parent.

    Being a parent requires supernatural strength.
    Sleep deprivation,
    Requiring endless shots of caffeine.
    Exhaustion threatens to conquer.

    Being a parent means knowing when to back off.
    When to push.
    When to pull back.
    Knowing when to “Let Go and Let God”.

    Being a parent is scary.
    Hours beside your sick child’s bed.
    Endless worrying about their well-being.
    Worry… Oh, the temptation to worry.

    Being a parent requires solicited help.
    Daily prayer for guidance.
    Seeking wisdom from…
    God, doctors, mentors, friends, and even our kids (our greatest teachers).

    Being a parent means standing up for your child.
    Knowing when to fight.
    Knowing when to remain calm.
    Knowing how to discern daily endeavors.

    Being a parent means sitting next to a hospital bed.
    Intermittent sleep.
    Awaking to every twitch.
    Praying… Oh, the need to hear from God.

    Being a parent isn’t for the weak of heart.
    It takes strength…
    Lots of prayer…
    A selfless spirit.

    Being a parent means unconditional love.
    Willing to take their pain.
    Willing to trade them places.
    Willing to sacrifice completely for their well-being.

    Being a parent isn’t for cowards.
    A good parent exhibits humility and self-control.
    A loving parent recognizes their need for help.
    Loving… Oh, the deep love of a parent.

    Here I sit next to my sweet Christopher’s hospital bed side. It’s been a long day and night. Actually it’s been a long month. He’s experiencing quite a rare situation. You never know what the day holds, and yesterday when I woke up I couldn’t imagine where our day would go. They found fluid on both of his hips, and it was bacteria related fluid. He had to have surgery on both hips to remove fluid and flush it out. It’s a pretty serious situation and we’re looking at least a 5 day to 3 week stay in the hospital.

    I prayed for my son. Yes, I wish God would have allowed an easier answer. However, I see Gods hand all over his diagnosis and care. His pediatrician, Dr. Franklin, recognized the severity of the situation and immediately sent him to the orthopedic. The orthopedic, Dr. Todd, recognized right away the problem and sent him to the hospital. The surgeon, Dr. Mast was on call. He is the “best” in the area. A good friend, Dr. Bill Cambell, was on call to be his anesthesiologist. Our pastor spent a few hours with us, and prayed. Not to mention all the prayer, encouragement, love, support, and help we received from our friends and family.

    I’m reminded of the quote, “God doesn’t promise we won’t walk through any storms, just that he’ll walk with us through the storm.” This morning I’m thankful for the people God had put into our path. I’m thankful he guided us to the problem and is guiding the doctors as to the best way to help him. We’re looking forward to getting him back to full health and chasing his brothers and baby sister around.

    Today he’s in severe pain. He hasn’t been able to move his legs at all. His temperature is pretty high. Please pray for his quick recovery and most specifically that we can get his pain under control and his temperature down.

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    I needed you.
    I’ll never understand why you never needed me.

    I longed for your love…
    For your concern…
    For your attention…
    For you.

    I just wanted you… My child.

    You never wanted me.
    Occasionally you told me you did.
    You bragged of your love.
    But your words never matched your actions.

    Your actions speak painful words.
    They always told me others were more important.
    People, animals, addictions, cars, homes, stuff.
    It’s true… Everything and everyone was more important.

    I can’t understand… My child.

    You search for love…
    Through drugs, people, alcohol, your career, friends, stuff.
    Why can’t you seek me…
    My love.

    I can’t understand.
    I see your desire to be loved.
    I know your heart intimately.
    Every word… Facial expression… Emotion…every attempt to control.
    Everything within you,
    Screams… Love me!
    Can someone please love me?

    How did you never know… Never understand how I loved you.
    How I longed for your heart.
    I longed for you to love me.
    Seek me?

    You never wanted my love… You still don’t.

    You threaten me with ultimatums.
    You want me to show up.
    Yet, when I do you are always somewhere else.
    You’re never focused on me,
    Your focus is always out there.
    Anywhere but here… On me.

    I finally understand.
    After years of striving… Yearning… Desiring your heart.
    I realize you will never Want… Desire… Choose my love.
    My soul healing… Heart mending… Fulfilling love.

    You’ll continue your life.
    Seeking Happiness… Joy… Love… Fulfillment.
    Chasing all worldly things.
    Things that will leave your heart more vacant than before.

    Will it ever be me?
    My Son?
    My love?
    My word?
    My life fulfilling cup?

    Your desires to chase after the wind.
    The men… The bars… The empty relationships… The addictions.
    Your daily race,
    Doesn’t include me.

    Will you ever take an interest in me?
    Who I am?
    My Son?
    What I love?
    My kids?
    My Word?
    My unconditional love… For you?

    Will you ever… Desire me?
    Your Father.
    Your creator?

    Will you ever seek me?
    My life fulfilling cup… The bread of life?
    Drink from my cup… My child.
    You will never be hungry or thirsty again.
    Complete satisfaction can only be quenched through me.
    Your Creator and Loving Heavenly Father.

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    Today is New Years Day, 2013. On this day every year, people all around the world, contemplate the prior year. It is human nature to “want” to be better. No matter where we are in our lives, we honestly have a part of us that desires to be better.

    I am thankful for this special day! Every year I ponder and revaluate my life. What all did I do? Did I succeed? Was I active or lazy? How was my relationship with God? Can I see spiritual growth in my life? Did I reveal strong love to my husband, children, family, and friends?

    Each year I take a “time out” to focus on the coming year. How I can make my life a little bit better? Although I have many resolutions, one remains the same year after year, day after day, and moment and moment. Have I grown closer to God?

    Today, January 1, 2013, I resolute to…

    1. When writing the date on letters, checks, etc… I WILL NOT write the wrong year. I have the hardest time training my brain to write the new year. (This one’s a long shot, but it’s my resolution)

    2. I truly desire to read my Bible every single day. Even if it’s only a paragraph, although I will aim for a chapter or more. My Bible will have it’s new home on the island in the kitchen. As a reminder to read God’s life giving words daily.

    3. I will be more mindful of the time I’m spending on the iPad’s, iPhone, computer, etc. At times I feel life is passing me by, simply because I have my focus on a lit up screen. I am reminded that “life” is the most amazing screen, and I choose to spend more time enjoying God’s aesthetics and the people He’s placed in my life.

    4. My body is my temple, and I choose to live a healthier lifestyle. Each year this is at the top of my list. Several times I have accomplished this goal to some extent. This year it would sure be nice, if I could top the previous years and lose a considerable amount of weight.

    5. To continue serving God, and trusting Him in each situation. To make God more the center of my thoughts and heart. To respond the way God would, and love the way He loves. To become more like Christ!

    Readers, What are your thoughts on 2012, and what are your resolutions for 2013. It is my prayer that God is at the center of your heart and mind. Always remember that God loves you, and desires the very best for your lives.

    Jeramiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you declares The Lord, plans for you to prosper and never to harm you. ”

    God Bless,
    Crystal

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    A Life lived… Leaves us with questions?

    Endless questions… Left unanswered.

    Why is the sky blue?
    Why do birds effortlessly fly….
    While my feet are imprisoned on this Earth’s soil?

    Deeper questions…?
    Why are people sad…
    Unhappy…
    Aimlessly wandering?
    Why can’t there be harmony on the Earth?

    Why can some people openly trust…
    Serve…
    Need…
    Our Loving Heavenly Father?
    While others refuse His love…
    And lead a life of emptiness…
    Deep rooted loneliness?

    Painful questions…?
    Why did cancer take my dearest uncle?
    Why did my spouse leave?
    Why can’t my mother… Desire my love?

    Hard to grasp questions…?
    Why are some children granted the most nurturing homes?
    While some children… Long for love and affection?
    Why are so many innocent children abused… Mistreated?

    Doesn’t it hurt?
    Lord…how can you watch?
    What is your plan?

    Life lived… Continually piles on the questions.
    When God… Can you God… Answer the questions of my heart?
    Will my life’s questions… Receive Earth side acknowledgement?

    Reaching out…
    Some accept my gesture for relationship…
    While other’s refuse my affections?

    Reaching out…
    Some accept God’s gesture for relationship…
    While other’s refuse His affections?

    Will any resolution come from these…
    Hard questions?

    At this moment…
    Wide awake in the darkest of night.
    Questions… With no answers hijack much needed sleep.
    I long for answers…
    Meaning to my life’s existence.

    Through it all…
    My Father has guided my wandering…
    Ignorant…
    Sheeplike heart.

    Through It All…
    He’s sought my self centered…
    Self focused…
    Sinful heart.

    In the midst of unanswered questions…
    In a bliss of answers…
    I will trust.

  • Praise To God and Count Each One Of Your Blessings

    My son, Robby, wrote this poem and shared it with me tonight. I asked his permission to share it, and he said I could. I love the cute thoughts of young and innocent children.

    Here at my desk thinking.
    I have a lot of blessings in my life.
    I turn and start to work on my Legos.
    Then I say to myself, this is a blessing.
    Most kids in the world need a home, they would do anything for it.
    I come back to my desk and look through all my things.
    My Christmas lights still hanging in my bedroom window.
    My parents below me in the living room on their iPads.
    My baby sister and brothers sleeping.
    All these things are blessings in my heart.
    Praise to God and count each one of your blessings,
    But not count your greed.

    Written December 27, 2012
    By Robby Ridlon IV

    I couldn’t have said it better. This Christmas I am reminded of all the blessings in my life. So thankful for this simple reminder, from my sensitive 10 year old boy, who loves The Lord and his family.

    Praise to God and count each one of your blessings!

    God Bless,

    Crystal

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  • At times the  darkness suffocates me.
    The news… Ravaged with stories.
    Shootings… Theft… Scandals.. 

    Anger… Fear… Murder rampant in today’s society.

    Today… A man.
    A sick… Angry… A Crazy man,
    Walked into a school.
    A child’s home away from home, 
    And began to shoot.

    Twenty sets of parents left to face this world.
    Without their children, their daily reason to live.
    The faces…
    The smiles…
    The giggles…
    All taken in a state of fury… Within one single man’s soul.

    What happened to people wanting to be hero’s.

    Once… I recall hearing stories of heroism.
    Now it seams… 
    This… The only story bragged upon on the nightly news.
    When will it stop?
    When will people desire stories of gaiety.
    Rather, than stories regarding death… Murder… And violence.

    All things good and positive.
    Seem to have lost it’s attraction to the world.
    What does it all mean?

    As a society… a nation.
    We’ve collectively pushed “hope” out the front door.
    We’ve declared our independence.
    Our ability to cope…
    To handle this world’s evilness on our own.

    I admit, “I’m not handling things well on my own.”
    Tragedies… Statistics… Evil hearts…
    Proves… Either are you.
    “Our nation is failing.”

    Violence… Murder… Mental Disorders…
    Rain in at an all time high.

    As I write, I stand in the gym.
    Children play Carol of the Bells.
    Hundreds of parents present to applaud.
    I admit… I don’t feel safe.
    How about you?

    When you drop your babies off at school…
    Do you worry?
    What if?
    Will they be safe?
    Will they make it back into the safety of momma’s arms?

    I stop to ponder…
    “When will enough be enough?”
    When we repent of our sin?
    When will we admit our need for a “savior”?
    Will it be too late?

    My selfishness…
    Your selfishness…
    Has turned a blind eye to the hurting.
    A deaf ear to the needy.
    Few share “hope” with the hopeless.

    What can I do?
    What can you do?

    We CAN proclaim God’s word.
    His love… His healing…
    To the needy… the hurting… the hopeless.

    We can pray to God…
    For a heart like His.

    We can seek to love His people.
    We can put away our cowardice selves…
    We can share the gospel without fear.
    With the hope of eternity.

    Maybe… 
    Just maybe…
    We can limit one tragedy.
    One less broken heart.

    We can lead the lost…
    To the ultimate healer.

    Maybe…
    Just maybe…

    We can be Christ’s love to the hurting.

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    Countless times Lord, you have caught me.
    Always there to keep my faith from shattering on the cold… hard floor.
    My heart is reaching, needing, and yearning…
    For yet another miracle.
    A miracle of God sized healing, peace, and comfort.

    This one’s tough…
    When will the healing come?
    Can healing come from this?
    From this finality?
    The death of my beloved?
    From the void of him… my life-long encourager?

    Each day I open my eyes…
    I tell myself…
    Today’s a new day… There will be no tears.
    Upon getting out of bed… I see him everywhere.
    Thoughts of his love and compassion capture my mind.

    My heart’s focus…
    Remains on the wonderful memories we shared.
    The times we laughed, sang, held hands, the times he kissed my forehead.

    You see, Lord.
    This ones hard… real hard.
    I’ve never lost one I loved and cherished so much.

    He’s was my uncle… Yet, so much more.

    He was…

    The reason… I chose to follow you.
    A big part of my childhood.
    The part which lead my needy… searching heart to the foot of the cross.
    He is the reason… I chose to wait for a Godly husband.
    A man of commitment to his God, his wife, his children, his family and friends.

    How is it, that it took his final days… his death,
    To make me see the impact my uncle had on my life?

    These memories… are happy.
    So why do they leave my heart so sad?
    When will the memories make me smile?
    When will healing come from this pain?

    Lord, this one’s big.
    I need your healing.
    Your comfort… your peace.

    I need you to remind my heart…
    The reason… I chose to follow you.
    Remind my heart of the joy he’s feeling in Your presence.
    Provide my mind with visual’s.
    Pictures of him dancing… laughing… and whole.

    Lord, give me the heart of Christ.
    Take this temporal… Earthly focus.
    Turn it into a heart… That seeks the Kingdom.
    A heart that seeks life’s fulfillment,
    Beyond this painful and temporary world.

    Lord, give me a heart like my uncle’s… a heart like Christ’s!

  • My childhood hero…

    Left this world.

    Sitting next to his bed,
    Holding his hand, reading him God’s word, singing softly into his ear.
    He left this world.
    My deep faith…
    And his love for God insures me, he’s among Heaven’s angels.
    The Bible says, “There are no tears in Heaven”.
    I’m not so sure.
    I know my hero is looking down on me.
    When he sees me crying and observes my broken heart.
    I can hear his familiar,
    Good hearted… Tender cry.
    He was not afraid to show his heart.
    He maintained the manliest…  most compassionate tears.
    Those he loved…
    Never questioned his heart… His intentions… His love.
    Normal…
    I’ll never be “normal” again.
    His final breadth…
    Left a gaping hole in my heart.
    A hole,
    Which leaves me yearning for Heaven.
    My life is blessed beyond measure.
    Loved ones surround me.
    His passing…
    Leaves me longing for Heaven, in a whole new way.
    My hero always ended his prayers…
    “Take me home to live with thee, some sweet day,”
    Some sweet day…
    I will once again be “normal”.
    Until we meet again!