The Flame Within

My hands are shaking.  My head is spinning, tension is squeezing extreme pressure into my neck, my head hurts, I feel utterly helpless.  I can’t make it stop.  There is nothing I can do, I can’t make my loved one stay.  God wants to take him home, into the Heavenly Realms.  I should be dancing with joy, and celebrating.  He will no longer be in pain.  He will see Jesus very soon.  This is a happy occasion, right?

Why don’t I want to celebrate?  Why don’t I want to dance?   I’m too busy holding back these tears.  Trying my hardest to not break down.  To be strong, and somehow make since of this painful influx of emotion and grief.

I almost feel like playing tug of war with God.  No, please don’t take him!  I need him!  He’s always been a strong Christian influence in my life.  He’s my childhood hero.  The tall man, who loved us, took care of us, and always bought us doughnuts.  He’s my uncle… but really much more than just an uncle.  He’s the only loving, positive, and Christian man in my childhood memories.   He’s mine!  Please… Let him stay a little longer!

I know I shouldn’t question God, I shouldn’t ask God to keep him in this rotten world another day.  I know it’s pure selfishness!  Forgive me Lord for wrestling with your plan.  Help me to trust your plan, and joyously celebrate his “Coming Home” experience.

Right now the tears… flow in large droplets down my pale skin.  My heart feels like it’s being unlawfully squeezed.  Lord, give me strength.  Help me to be your strength in the midst of the pain… the grief… the letting go of a dear sweet Godly man.  A man you blessed me with for 34 years.  I am packing my bag.  I long to be at his side as he runs into Your arms.  Lord, as selfish as this request is, I pray you let me be at his side, I want to witness his face, as you say, “Welcome home My good and faithful servant.  Now I will show you the crowns I have stored up in Heaven for you.  Welcome home!”  I want to see his happiest and deepest smile this side of Heaven.

Thank you Lord, for the gift of Hanzel Burtman.  Thank you for sharing him with me for 34 years!  Thank you for his heart, and his deep love for his family.  Thank you!

Crystal