The Flame Within

One of the hardest things to navigate in life isn’t always tragedy.

Sometimes it’s people.

Have you ever been around anyone who makes you feel unsettled? You can’t quite put your finger on it, but interactions leave you feeling anxious and emotionally exhausted. Maybe they’re aggressive, critical, cutting, manipulative, or controlling. Perhaps something in their demeanor triggers feelings inside you, leaving you anxious, hurt, or confused. Perhaps the most neutral conversations easily turn into conflict, criticism, or tension. You find yourself walking on eggshells, carefully choosing your words, and hoping to keep the peace.

As a trauma therapist, I know that people often behave this way because of wounds they carry themselves. Hurt people often hurt people. Remembering that helps me have compassion and helps me better maintain my patience. Most importantly, It reminds me to extend grace.

But here’s the question I’ve wrestled with for years:

At what point do we continue extending grace, and at what point do we stand up for ourselves?

When do we keep the peace?

And when do we establish a boundary and say, “This is crossing a line.”

It is important to remember that the Bible…

• Never calls us to mistreat people.
• But it also never calls us to be mistreated.

We are allowed to have opinions. We are allowed to speak truth in love. We are allowed to stand up for ourselves. We are allowed to voice what hurts us or makes us uncomfortable. We are allowed to recognize unhealthy behavior without becoming unloving ourselves. This is the hardest part of managing difficult people because these individuals have a way of bringing out parts of ourselves we don’t like: frustration, anger, hurt, sadness, and discomfort.

This has been a difficult area in my own life.

Much of it probably stems from my own history of trauma. Years of mistreatment created a level of hypervigilance inside of me. My nervous system learned to scan for danger long before my mind had time to process it.

One question I’ve often asked myself:

• Is what I’m feeling a trauma response…or is this simply my God-given discernment recognizing that something isn’t healthy?

The older I get, the more I realize that isn’t always an easy question to answer.

As I’ve learned more about trauma, I’ve realized there may be another layer to this. Trauma expert Stephen Porges uses the term {neuroception} to describe our nervous system’s automatic ability to detect safety or danger before we’re even consciously aware of it. In other words, our bodies often respond before our minds have time to think. Someone’s unmanaged emotions, criticism, aggression, manipulation, or unpredictability can unconsciously remind our nervous system of painful experiences from the past. Before we’ve had time to reason through what’s happening, our hearts may race, our stomachs may tighten, or we may feel the urge to withdraw. This doesn’t necessarily mean we’re in danger, nor does it mean our feelings are wrong. It simply means our nervous system is doing what it was designed to do—trying to protect us. The challenge is learning to slow down enough to ask, “Is this my past speaking, healthy discernment, or perhaps a little of both?”

What’s interesting is that I’ve watched my own children, who were not raised in the same abusive environments I experienced, respond similarly to certain people. They, too, naturally pull back from individuals who are manipulative, highly critical, controlling, or emotionally aggressive. However, typically their emotional responses aren’t as intense as mine. Yet their nervous systems still react to difficult people by pulling away emotionally or physically.

That reminds me that sometimes discomfort isn’t pathology.

Sometimes it’s “wisdom.”

Sometimes our spirit recognizes something unhealthy before our mind can fully explain it.

The challenge is learning to quiet our nervous system enough to discern the difference.

That’s the difficult work.

How do we calm our bodies while also paying attention to what our hearts are sensing?

How do we extend grace without abandoning ourselves?

How do we forgive without becoming perpetual targets?

To be honest…

I wish I had all the answers.

I know healing matters.

I know understanding trauma and our nervous systems matters.

I know healthy boundaries matter.

But I also know there’s something deeper.

There are seasons where there simply isn’t a quick answer.

Some relationships don’t change overnight.

Some people don’t suddenly become safe.

Some situations remain confusing for far longer than we’d like.

And perhaps that’s exactly where God invites us to trust Him most.

One of the Scriptures I return to often is:

“Be still, and know that I am God.” —Psalm 46:10

When relationships feel impossible and your best abilities to create peace and harmony are met with tension, angst, and stressful responses…

…Be still…

Not because the situation suddenly makes sense.

Not because the other person suddenly changes.

Not because you’ve figured everything out.

But because… God is still God.

I also tell many of my clients something that I have to remind myself of regularly:

We hate emotional discomfort.

We spend so much of our lives trying to escape it.

But discomfort itself won’t destroy us.

Our nervous systems certainly need care, rest, healing, and healthy boundaries. Chronic stress does affect our bodies long term.

But the uncomfortable feeling itself isn’t something we have to fear.

Sometimes we simply have to sit with it…

…while holding tightly to Jesus.

Years ago, I found myself desperately trying to please someone.

No matter what I did, it was never enough.

I tried harder.

I became more accommodating.

More agreeable.

More careful.

More thoughtful.

I wanted so badly to earn their approval.

Yet every time I reached the standard, it felt like they simply moved the bar higher.

Nothing I did was ever enough.

One evening, I found myself lying across my bed in tears.

Completely exhausted.

Completely discouraged.

Completely devastated.

I remember crying out to God because I felt desperate.

I needed Him to speak.

I prayed through my tears and asked God to speak to me. I opened my Bible directly to Galatians 1:10.

“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

I can’t explain it except to say the Holy Spirit spoke directly to my heart.

“Crystal…I didn’t call you to please this person. Your only job is to please Me…

I am pleased with you.

I love you.

I created you.

… You are My beloved daughter.”

I’ll never forget that moment. Those words changed something inside me.

Not because the relationship immediately changed.

It didn’t.

But because I realized I had been chasing something I was never meant to carry.

Some people simply cannot be pleased because of the brokenness they carry inside themselves.

The goalposts continually move.

You reach them…

…and they move them again.

One thing I’ve learned throughout my life when dealing with the most difficult people is this…

• No amount of striving heals another person’s wounds.

Only the individual and Jesus can do that.

This week, a friend reminded me that it took nearly thirty years for one of their difficult family members to soften and become easier to be around.

Thirty years.

If I’m honest…I hated hearing that.

Yet I also knew it was true.

Sometimes the answers we’re praying for don’t come next week.

Or next month.

Sometimes they come years later.

And sometimes they don’t come this side of heaven.

Yet while we’re waiting…

God is doing something inside of us.

He’s teaching us to depend on Him instead of certainty.

To seek His approval instead of man’s.

To trust His timing instead of demanding our own.

To rest when our minds want to keep searching for answers.

Maybe that’s the invitation today.

Not to have every relationship figured out.

Not to understand every difficult person.

But to know the One who walks beside us through every confusing conversation, every painful interaction, and every unanswered question.

Sometimes the greatest peace isn’t found in finally understanding someone else.

Sometimes it’s found in finally resting in Jesus.

—- Reflection —–

• Is there someone whose approval you’ve been chasing at the expense of your own peace?
• Are you confusing people-pleasing with Christlike love?
• Is your discomfort coming from an old wound that needs healing, or is it healthy discernment inviting you to establish a boundary?
• What would it look like today to entrust that relationship to Jesus instead of carrying it alone?
• Where might God be inviting you to “be still” instead of trying harder?

—- Scriptures to Meditate On —-

“Be still, and know that I am God.” —Psalm 46:10

“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God?… If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” —Galatians 1:10

“The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.” —Proverbs 29:25

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” —Proverbs 4:23

“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” —Romans 12:18

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” —Proverbs 3:5–6

“Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” —1 Peter 5:7

Blessings,

Crystal Ridlon, LPC