The Flame Within

—The Successful, Over-Functioning Overcomer—

“When Success Is Born Out of Survival”

Some of the strongest, most successful people I know have hidden anxiety at the root. The anxiousness often times propels them toward success. At times, these individuals have the belief that the driver of their success is the discomfort they feel. However, any good counselor knows this dynamic will lead to burn out at some point and the short and long term impact is significant on their nervous system, mind, body, and soul.

Many high functioning individuals live with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, or Complex PTSD. They are dependable, compassionate, hardworking, and incredibly resilient. Others look at them and think, I wish I were more like them.

What many people don’t realize is that these strengths were often born out of survival.

As a trauma therapist, I see this every week.

As someone who has lived it, I know it personally.

Our brains develop around the environments in which we are raised. Children who grow up in emotionally safe homes learn that the world is generally predictable and secure. But children raised in chaos, addiction, neglect, abuse, or emotional instability adapt differently.

They don’t choose those environments.

They simply learn how to survive them.

Some become invisible.

Some become the peacemaker.

Some become the comedian.

Many become the protector.

Their nervous system quietly learns:

“Someone has to take care of this.”

Eventually, that “someone” becomes them.

I remember being about nine years old, watching my older sister make choices that I knew would lead to pain. I remember thinking, When I grow up, I’m going to live differently.

When I said those words aloud, she looked at me and replied,

“You just wait. You’re going to grow up and be just like the rest of us.”

Something inside me answered,

No. I’m going to make it out.

Looking back now, I realize that wasn’t pride.

It was survival.

As these children become adults, something remarkable often happens.

The very skills that helped them survive become the qualities the world rewards.

They become responsible.

Dependable.

Hardworking.

Problem-solvers.

The people everyone turns to in a crisis.

From the outside they look incredibly successful.

What people don’t see is the anxious nervous system quietly driving so much of that success.

Even though life has changed, their brain still believes it has to stay alert.

It notices everything.

It anticipates problems.

It feels responsible for carrying burdens that were never theirs to carry.

This is why I have so much compassion for people who over-function.

Many aren’t trying to control everything.

They’re trying to keep everyone safe.

Those are two very different things.

I still see this in my own life.

After dinner, my husband will often tell me, “Don’t worry about the dishes. I’ve got them.”

Logically, I know he means it.

But there’s still a part of me that struggles to walk away.

Not because I don’t trust him.

But because my nervous system learned long ago that my job was to carry the weight.

Healing isn’t simply understanding why we respond this way.

Healing is teaching our nervous system that we are no longer that frightened child trying to hold everything together.

When clients sit across from me, I rarely begin by telling them to set better boundaries.

Instead, I’m curious about the little boy or little girl who learned they had to become the adult far too soon.

Because healing begins with compassion, not condemnation.

The goal isn’t to become less responsible.

It’s to learn the difference between healthy responsibility and false responsibility.

Healthy responsibility says,

“I’ll faithfully carry what God has entrusted to me.”

False responsibility says,

“If I don’t carry everything, everything will fall apart.”

One is rooted in freedom.

The other is rooted in fear.

The beautiful news is that our brains can heal.

God designed them that way.

If you recognize yourself in these words, please hear this:

You are not broken.

Your nervous system learned to survive.

And with compassion, good trauma-informed care, and God’s healing, it can also learn peace, rest, and safety.

You don’t have to carry what was never yours to carry.

There is hope.

There is healing.

There is rest.

—- Reflection ——

• What responsibilities did you carry as a child that were never yours to carry?
• When does your “protector part” become most active today?
• Is there one burden Jesus may be inviting you to place into His hands?

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” — Matthew 11:28 (NIV)

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” — 1 Peter 5:7 (NIV)

Blessings, Crystal Ridlon, LPC