The Flame Within

“I still remember the day I prayed for what I have now.”

Tonight, driving home, I finally had a moment to think.

It had been one of those days. Busy. I was pulled in a hundred different directions. My husband is out of town, and for the first time all day, I had a few quiet minutes alone with my thoughts.

I found myself thinking about how much I miss him when he’s gone and how grateful I am that, after all these years, I still miss him. That thought led me to think about my family as a whole.

When I look at my life now, it looks so different than it did when my children were little.

Back then, their biggest concerns were candy, ice cream, playgrounds, Buzz Lightyear, Barbie, scraped knees, and kisses on boo-boos. Now life looks like new relationships becoming lifelong family members. It looks like daughters-in-law, future sons-in-law, grandchildren, and praying that my children discover God’s purpose for their lives and find careers, callings, and relationships that honor Him.

In some ways, it’s bittersweet. The life I knew is slowly slipping through my hands.

But in so many other ways, it is becoming something more beautiful than I ever imagined.

As I drove, my mind drifted briefly back to my childhood.

I remembered the pain. The screaming. The fighting. The police being called. The fear.

I remembered hiding in my closet because someone once told me that if you really wanted God to hear you, you should pray alone in your closet.

“But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen.” Matthew 6:6

So I did.

As a little girl, not even 10 years old, I climbed into my bedroom closet and begged God for a family.

I wasn’t asking for anything extravagant. I wasn’t dreaming about success, a big house, or a fancy car.

I just wanted a safe place.

I wanted a mom and dad who didn’t fight. I wanted a home where I felt loved, secure, and protected.

I didn’t realize then that God would answer that prayer over decades instead of days.

I hoped and thought He would answer my prayer quickly.

I didn’t know that the answer would continue unfolding into my forties.

As I sat there tonight, tears filling my eyes, I realized something.

I don’t have everything I once thought I wanted.

I was never a famous singer.

I don’t have the dream house I imagined.

I don’t have a Barbie Jeep.

My retirement account isn’t where I’d love for it to be.

I don’t drive a brand-new fancy car.

But those things are just things.

This realization washed over me:

“What I do have is everything I truly prayed for. Everything I ever wanted out of my life.”

I have a husband I love, who loves me, who is committed, and whom I miss dearly when he’s gone.

I have children I adore, who love me.

I have a daughter-in-law who loves my son.

I have family.

I have peace.

And I have a God who heard the cries of a little girl hiding in her closet.

I also realized tonight that while I didn’t have the parents I needed, God gave me a grandmother who loved me fiercely. She was always there. She spent hours on the phone with me when I was home alone. She listened. She cared. She fought for me. She always wanted me to have it all. She was so proud of me. She was proud of my husband and me. She loved my kids.

Looking back now, I can see God’s fingerprints everywhere.

I can see His faithfulness.

I can see how He has carried my sweet family through things that sometimes felt impossible.

Not just difficult things.

Life-altering things.

Traumas.

Heartbreaks.

Losses.

Battles that left marks on all of us.

Yet through it all, God has been whispering the same message to me lately:

You are a survivor.

Your family is surviving.

Through Christ, we will continue to survive.

We will be victorious.

Tonight, I am overwhelmed with gratitude.

Grateful that God has seen us through.

Grateful that He never left us.

Grateful that even when I felt abandoned, He was still there.

Grateful for the ways He has blessed my children.

Grateful for the people He has brought into their lives.

Grateful that He continues to work all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)

Today I cried with someone who was finally beginning to see the fruit of years of praying, hoping, and waiting.

And as I celebrated with them, I found myself celebrating too.

Because I realized something powerful.

I am living many of the things I once prayed for.

The little girl in the closet could never have imagined this life.

It hasn’t been easy.

Healing wasn’t easy.

Marriage hasn’t always been easy.

Raising children hasn’t been easy.

We’ve walked through loss, trauma, disappointment, job loss, and seasons when I wasn’t sure how we’d make it through.

But God has been faithful through every single one of them.

So tonight, I simply want to say thank You.

“Thank You, Lord, for Your faithfulness.

Thank You for never leaving.

Thank You for hearing the prayers of a little girl who just wanted a family.

And thank You for reminding me that even when life feels uncertain, You can always be trusted.”

Maybe tonight you need that reminder too.

Look around.

You may discover that you’re living in the middle of prayers you prayed years ago.

Blessings,

Crystal Ridlon, LCMHC