The Flame Within

Throughout life I have always been a saver.  Anytime someone was in trouble, hurting, in conflict, or heading down a path of destruction, I have felt this overwhelming need to save.  God is continually teaching me the very important lesson, that I am not capable of saving another individual.  God gave us the gift of free will and He alone is working to save His children.  I am continually relearning this lesson and God is teaching me that sometimes I need to get out of the the way and allow Him to speak into the heart’s of His children.

Unfortunately, this path of destruction became the theme of my childhood.  The youngest of 7 children, I was an observer, I sat back and observed the people I loved chasing after “anything” to numb pain.  I have seen many unhealthy forms of numbing, anger, drug abuse, alcoholism, sex addiction, and co-dependency. In a family plagued with bondage, I unfortunately endured the consequences of these sins.  I endured all forms of abuse.  For years, I sat back and observed sin (Satan) take control of every member of my family.  Every member?  Yes, every family member.  You know what?  These unfortunate circumstances have left me with scars… and wounds that will never completely heal until I stand next to Jesus in Heaven.  I have spent my entire life trying to heal from the past.  In my life I have felt lonely, scared, empty, and terribly sad. I used to be a broken and wounded little girl.

But… God loved me too much to leave me in such a frail and miserable state.

I was SAVED from this path of destruction at the age of 15. One of God’s beloved continually invited me to church every week, until one day I agreed to attend. This was the day that changed my life FOREVER!!!

Immediately after accepting Christ as my Savior “Saver”… I wanted every member of my family to taste and see that the Lord was good.”

Psalm 34:8 ” Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.”

With the best of intentions… I took on the responsibility of “saving” my family members.  The more I told them about God, His love, and the freedom I found in Christ, the more they seemed to follow down a path of destruction.  The fact that I could not save the people I loved, my family members, often times left me feeling like a failure and continually pulled me down.  Thus, I realized I needed to separate myself from the dysfunction of my childhood, in order to save myself.  Physically, I began the process of cleaving from my family at a very early age.  This left me feeling alone, sad, and like I never actually “belonged” anywhere.  In time, God became a substitute for my family.  He heard the endless nights I spent crying into my pillow, held my lonely and broken heart, and made himself known to me throughout the long hard nights.

Everyday I prayed for the salvation of my family members and I longed  to see them break the painful, empty, and destructive path of bondage.

I have hope!

I have been tempted at times to lose hope… But I am reminded that God is a God of hope.  He is a merciful, loving, and miraculous God.  He desires to win souls and he will work in the heart’s of His children until they take their final earthly breath.

Romans 15:13 “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

The day I accepted Jesus, to be honest, wasn’t some miraculous day, where all my wounds, scars, and brokenness disappeared.  In fact, after accepting Christ, He began the process of healing my brokenness.  The healing process hurt and left me feeling raw, vulnerable, and fearful.  Throughout the years God has been working to heal my soul, He has provided Godly mentors, utilized the Holy Spirit and His word to speak into the most broken places of my heart.  He’s provided caring friends, Godly counselors, a loving husband, and the most amazing children to continue the healing within my heart.  This “healing” I have come to realize will never be complete, at least not until I get to Heaven.  I have come along way… I have peace in my heart… joy in my soul… and continual hope in my life.

This “healing” process has forced me to chase after God.  To seek Him for comfort, answers, guidance, and fulfillment.

Generational bondage used to be my normal… it was all I knew.

Through an intimate relationship with Christ, He has begun the process of breaking the generational bondage.  He has guided me through my marital life, raising my children, and overcoming my brokenness.

I am blessed today with the most amazing family… A loving and Godly husband… The sweetest 4 children this side of Heaven.  God has used my family to break the cycle bondage that has plagued my family for generations.

I have heard people, even friends, tell me on occasion “You are a Holy Roller!”

My response, “I am a “holy roller” because my childhood was filled with pain, abuse, and trauma.  God called me His own!  He accepted me!  Loved me!  He has never left my side!  He has proven faithful to heal, comfort, and guide my heart! He has been my father, mother, sibling, husband, and friend!!!  He has given me hope!  Blessed me more than I could have ever imagined!  Turned a little girl destined for a life of destruction… Into something… someone… His beloved.

Friends… This change in my heart didn’t happen overnight, or in one month, or even one year.  Healing has become a permanent life-style.  Everyday I feel more whole than the day before.  EVERYDAY I need God more than I did the day before!

My God saved me!  He SAVED me!  He SAVED me!

So….

Yes… I am a Holy Roller!!!

I can’t imagine another way to be…  I can’t imagine a life without God at the center! I can’t fathom living without the unconditional, love, hope, comfort, wisdom, and healing found through an intimate relationship with the Savior.

Yes… I am a Holy Roller!  I am a Holy Roller!!!

And… I am proud of it!

Mathew 16:24 “Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?”

If you have never asked Christ to come into your heart… Here’s the process…

Follow the link below to find out… How to become a “Holy Roller”.

http://www.sbc.net/knowjesus/theplan.asp

Don’t put off this decision another minute… Begin the “healing” process today!!!

You don’t have to become a holy roller… But, I think once you get a taste of God’s love…

You’ll soon realize… “There’s no other way to be!”

Roll on my friend!  Roll on!

In God’s Love,

Crystal