The Flame Within

This habit of looking down comes natural to me,

I get hyper-focused on life’s problems and forget to bow my knee.

This downward focus causes an unbearable heaviness within my chest.

Stealing my soul of much needed rest.

The ache so deeply washes over my heart,

I worry the pain will never depart.

My strength is gone and I’m crying out,

I ask God to remove this fear and doubt.

Lord, I’m weary and in need of peace,

Please take back control and make the pain cease.

Lord, I admit I failed to seek,

Your name on my lips I failed to speak.

Lord, I’m sorry I took control,

Forgive me and make me whole.

Lord, life’s problems I freely give to you,

I’m over myself through and through.

Lord, thank you for loving me,

For taking my pain and making me free.
Written by … Crystal Ridlon

Disappointment… utterly heart-wrenchingly sad… To give so much…. And watch it unravel before your very eyes.  To know your best wasn’t good enough.  Such an awful sinking feeling washes over my heart and soul.  As a loved one rejects God…  Thus rejecting  you… Speaking paralyzingly painful words  into your heart.  This hardship has endured for almost a month… My soul… weary… My emotions… raw.  My heart… Sad.  Literally feels bruised within my chest. One thing I know for sure… There’s no controlling the emotions of a crushed spirit.  Eventually the hurt… Disappointment… And sadness will overflow… Either in the form of anger, tears, or unhealthy behavior.  For me the hurt and disappointment overflowed in the form of endless tears and gut wrenching sobs.  Sobs from one who grieves… One who hurts… One who’s confused… One who’s disappointed.

Suppress… Suppress… Suppress… The art of suppression only works for so long… Eventually your heart reaches it’s maximum “all I can handle” limit and explodes. In this particular case… My heart’s “all I can handle” limit happened at the beginning of Bible study. Sounds like a perfect place to be broken… Right? Not exactly… Today’s churches have  unfortunately become another place that expects you to be happy and perfect… All the time. Not always a place that allows you to be “real”, especially if your “real” at that time is… broken and sad. The world tells us… “It’s  never okay to cry… It’s never okay to be sad.  Toughen up!  Don’t take it personally.  Just hand it over to God!  Don’t worry!  Trust God!”  This unfortunately is the motto of the world… “No room here to handle your brokenness… Your disappointment… Your pain.”

Unfortunatelay the world and even many of today’s churches… Sends a quiet message… You’re only welcome if you are completely whole… And without any form of blemish or scarring.  Thus… Much of the population remains unchurched.  We hide our true selves… Our “real” everyday pain and struggles behind a facade.  Our daily attire consists of a happy plastic face.  Always wearing it to hide the fact that we are imperfect… That our hearts do break… To hide our “real” self.  Always trying to show the world we’ve got it all together.  Yet… How many of us truly have it all together?  If we had it all together…  Would we need God?

I find myself questioning… Am I enough?  Is there anywhere I can go… To just be “me”?

You see… I’m imperfect… I’m broken… I’m sensitive to a fault.  I’m scarred. I have wounds.  In time and with intense therapy my wounds have begun to turn to scars. Problem is… my scars occasionally still bleed. It’s usually when I least expect it… The wounds will reopen and threaten to steal my present day joy, hope, and peace.  Despite my best intentions the past still occasionally creeps up on me… And at times the broken pieces of “me” challenges my current day healing.

I begin to wonder… Can the world handle the “real” me?  Can the church handle the “real” me?

I’m certainly not a human picture of perfection.  I’ll be the first to admit… I am not perfect! In fact…  I’m broken. God has been working overtime to mend my brokenness. Yet… After all these years of healing and thousands of dollars in therapy costs… I still feel the broken pieces of my inner child deep within my being.

I’m NOT a perfect… smooth… and flawless pot. I’m a pot that appears from a far to be whole… But up close you will notice the ridges, holes, and rough edges. Up close you will notice the broken places. Can the world handle me just the way I am?  Does the world want an imperfect pot?

To my amazement… God has somehow continues to use me despite my broken past… my childhood scars… He continues to make something beautiful out of my brokenness… He’s saved me! In Him… “I am a survivor!”

Occasionally… I will still question… Am I good enough for this world? Am I good enough for the church?

Yet… In my questioning… I WIILL remember… God chose me for Himself… Therefore I will claim God’s words… “I am enough!” “I am enough!”

Snuggled up next to the one I love… My heart at peace.

 I feel safe lying next to him.  

I feel at peace when I look into his eyes.  

I feel loved when he holds my hand.  

I feel wanted wrapped in his arms.  

So many loves in this world…  Yet… There is only one love of my life.

Holds me through life’s heartaches.  

Always wipes away my tears.  

The security of his arms protect me through the night.

Listens to my heart.  

Encourages my weary spirit.  

So many times he’s hugged my brokenness away.  

Willing to challenge my feelings, thoughts, and behavior.  

First a teen love… Now a deeper love… A strong… committed… and forgiving love.  A maturing love!  

Together our love’s experienced a few bumps, trials, and misunderstandings.  

Yet… Through it all… Our faith increased… Our hearts firmly united… Our love  stronger.  

Happy 36th birthday my love… Looking forward to another year of maturing… aging… And loving together!  

Yours Truly, Crystal 

Lord,

I am crying out!  For weeks… my heart has poured out before you.  Tears have fallen… hope seemingly unattainable.  My prayers are not in isolation… but others have poured out prayers for loved ones in need of your healing.  One of your own… is lost… hurting… in need of your saving grace.  I’ve seen the battle… the painful battle of the soul.  I’ve seen innocent little ones lost in the midst of a battle… a battle not their own. Innocent little ones… seeking peace… comfort… and your love.  I’ve seen broken souls desiring your peace… love… and comfort.  Yet… returning as a prisoner of the world.  Yearning for support, comfort, and attention… ran back into the arms of Satan.  Sadly, Satan was there waiting with open arms… with droves of people.. ready to draw your child back into the prison of the soul.  Where were your droves of people?  Your children waiting to embrace your child?  Why does the path leading to you… offer only a chosen few for support, love, and fellowship?  This question… I have offered before you… and you answered… in that still small voice deep within… “Child, If I had sent you endless droves of people… would you have realized your need for me?  Would you have called out to me for comfort in the loneliest hours?  Would you have asked me to hold you in the middle of the night?  Would I truly have been able to show you the extent of my love for you… the realness of my presence within your heart? Would you have realized your need for me?”  I recall the darkest nights of my soul… The world had left me broken.  Somehow when I recall the most painful moments of my life… I remember them as a time of close intimacy with God.  During the darkest and most lonely of nights… God was there… Meeting the needs of my broken and hurting heart.  These are the moments when God became my Savior, friend, comforter, counselor, healer, friend, and Father!

Tonight as tears fall from my cheeks… on my knees prostrate before you… yearning for the cry of my heart to be answered… for your child to finally choose… you.  To come to understand you as the one true God… the only path to healing, peace, comfort, and Eternal life.  Lord, forgive me for in my desperation I have almost lost hope in your mighty power to save… I have doubted your ability to win a victory… a victory you already won.  Lord, tonight as the tears fall down my cheeks… I pray for my beloved… for your beloved.  In the lonely hours… in the midst of the emptiness deep within the soul…  reach your child.. hold your child… comfort your child… show the depth of your love and affection.  Lord, win the victory of the soul! Call your child to yourself!  I lift my beloved to your throne.  I trust!  I believe!  After all, I know firsthand the power of your love.  You saved me!  You comforted me!  You held me!  You healed me!  You have proven your ability to save!!!  Take the victory, Lord!!!

Acts 4:12 “Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to mankind by which we must be saved.”

2 Peter 3:9 “The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.”

Your beloved,

Crystal

Throughout life I have always been a saver.  Anytime someone was in trouble, hurting, in conflict, or heading down a path of destruction, I have felt this overwhelming need to save.  God is continually teaching me the very important lesson, that I am not capable of saving another individual.  God gave us the gift of free will and He alone is working to save His children.  I am continually relearning this lesson and God is teaching me that sometimes I need to get out of the the way and allow Him to speak into the heart’s of His children.

Unfortunately, this path of destruction became the theme of my childhood.  The youngest of 7 children, I was an observer, I sat back and observed the people I loved chasing after “anything” to numb pain.  I have seen many unhealthy forms of numbing, anger, drug abuse, alcoholism, sex addiction, and co-dependency. In a family plagued with bondage, I unfortunately endured the consequences of these sins.  I endured all forms of abuse.  For years, I sat back and observed sin (Satan) take control of every member of my family.  Every member?  Yes, every family member.  You know what?  These unfortunate circumstances have left me with scars… and wounds that will never completely heal until I stand next to Jesus in Heaven.  I have spent my entire life trying to heal from the past.  In my life I have felt lonely, scared, empty, and terribly sad. I used to be a broken and wounded little girl.

But… God loved me too much to leave me in such a frail and miserable state.

I was SAVED from this path of destruction at the age of 15. One of God’s beloved continually invited me to church every week, until one day I agreed to attend. This was the day that changed my life FOREVER!!!

Immediately after accepting Christ as my Savior “Saver”… I wanted every member of my family to taste and see that the Lord was good.”

Psalm 34:8 ” Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.”

With the best of intentions… I took on the responsibility of “saving” my family members.  The more I told them about God, His love, and the freedom I found in Christ, the more they seemed to follow down a path of destruction.  The fact that I could not save the people I loved, my family members, often times left me feeling like a failure and continually pulled me down.  Thus, I realized I needed to separate myself from the dysfunction of my childhood, in order to save myself.  Physically, I began the process of cleaving from my family at a very early age.  This left me feeling alone, sad, and like I never actually “belonged” anywhere.  In time, God became a substitute for my family.  He heard the endless nights I spent crying into my pillow, held my lonely and broken heart, and made himself known to me throughout the long hard nights.

Everyday I prayed for the salvation of my family members and I longed  to see them break the painful, empty, and destructive path of bondage.

I have hope!

I have been tempted at times to lose hope… But I am reminded that God is a God of hope.  He is a merciful, loving, and miraculous God.  He desires to win souls and he will work in the heart’s of His children until they take their final earthly breath.

Romans 15:13 “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

The day I accepted Jesus, to be honest, wasn’t some miraculous day, where all my wounds, scars, and brokenness disappeared.  In fact, after accepting Christ, He began the process of healing my brokenness.  The healing process hurt and left me feeling raw, vulnerable, and fearful.  Throughout the years God has been working to heal my soul, He has provided Godly mentors, utilized the Holy Spirit and His word to speak into the most broken places of my heart.  He’s provided caring friends, Godly counselors, a loving husband, and the most amazing children to continue the healing within my heart.  This “healing” I have come to realize will never be complete, at least not until I get to Heaven.  I have come along way… I have peace in my heart… joy in my soul… and continual hope in my life.

This “healing” process has forced me to chase after God.  To seek Him for comfort, answers, guidance, and fulfillment.

Generational bondage used to be my normal… it was all I knew.

Through an intimate relationship with Christ, He has begun the process of breaking the generational bondage.  He has guided me through my marital life, raising my children, and overcoming my brokenness.

I am blessed today with the most amazing family… A loving and Godly husband… The sweetest 4 children this side of Heaven.  God has used my family to break the cycle bondage that has plagued my family for generations.

I have heard people, even friends, tell me on occasion “You are a Holy Roller!”

My response, “I am a “holy roller” because my childhood was filled with pain, abuse, and trauma.  God called me His own!  He accepted me!  Loved me!  He has never left my side!  He has proven faithful to heal, comfort, and guide my heart! He has been my father, mother, sibling, husband, and friend!!!  He has given me hope!  Blessed me more than I could have ever imagined!  Turned a little girl destined for a life of destruction… Into something… someone… His beloved.

Friends… This change in my heart didn’t happen overnight, or in one month, or even one year.  Healing has become a permanent life-style.  Everyday I feel more whole than the day before.  EVERYDAY I need God more than I did the day before!

My God saved me!  He SAVED me!  He SAVED me!

So….

Yes… I am a Holy Roller!!!

I can’t imagine another way to be…  I can’t imagine a life without God at the center! I can’t fathom living without the unconditional, love, hope, comfort, wisdom, and healing found through an intimate relationship with the Savior.

Yes… I am a Holy Roller!  I am a Holy Roller!!!

And… I am proud of it!

Mathew 16:24 “Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?”

If you have never asked Christ to come into your heart… Here’s the process…

Follow the link below to find out… How to become a “Holy Roller”.

http://www.sbc.net/knowjesus/theplan.asp

Don’t put off this decision another minute… Begin the “healing” process today!!!

You don’t have to become a holy roller… But, I think once you get a taste of God’s love…

You’ll soon realize… “There’s no other way to be!”

Roll on my friend!  Roll on!

In God’s Love,

Crystal

Have you ever spent months spending “a little” time in God’s word!  I hate to admit it… but the answer to this question in my life the past 8 months… is a resounding “yes”.  I pray often… and life is a continual conversation with God.  Yet… after 8 months of completing my internship and searching for a job… I find myself “missing” the special oneness I know is possible with God.  Busyness… busyness… busyness is a continual and never ending cycle.  I common distraction method used by Satan himself.  I am guilty as charged… The past several months I have had that sinking feeling… the most intimate places deep inside of my soul is desperately yearning for time alone with God.

Today… sitting in this coffee shop… with my Bible, devotional, computer, and tasty coffee.  The sound of sweet hymns sounding through my ear buds is just the vessel I need to direct my heart and soul to the Father’s voice.  {Amazing grace… how sweet the sound… that saved [and continues to save] a wretch like me.}  As God’s word permeates throughout my entire being… I feel the tightness in my shoulders releasing.  The heavy weight of the world easing around the muscles of my heart. It’s as if I can feel Christ himself deep inside my soul reclaiming me for His own… Mark 5:8 “Come out of my girl, you unclean spirits!”

My head lifts to the Heavens as I sing straight from my heat to the Father… Singing straight to… My Savior… My Hope… My Friend… My Father… My Everything.  “Holy, holy, holy! Lord God Almighty!  Early in the morning our song shall rise to thee.  Holy, holy, holy!  Merciful and mighty,  God in three persons, blessed Trinity!”

As I sit here… surrounded by the hustle and bustle of this coffee shop… My eyes are closed… my fingers tapping computer keys… yet… I am far off… Rejoicing in the unconditional love of the Father… Soaking up his word… Singing loudly in my heart… “Sweet of prayer… Sweet of prayer… That calls me from a world of care.  And bids me at my Father’s throne.  Make all my wants and wishes known.  In seasons of destress and grief.  My soul has often found relief.  And oft escaped the tempter’s snare.  By thy return … Sweet Hour of Prayer!”

Over the past several months… I have forgotten and put off spending intimate time with my first love.  Revelation 2:4 “Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first.”  

Yet… in the alone time I share with my God… Today… in this coffee shop… God doesn’t shame me… or convict my spirit.   He holds me… and welcomes me back into His arms of Love!  The “LOVE” of my God… is endless… powerful… rejuvenating… and freedom to my weary soul.  “Then sings my soul!  Then sings my soul!  My Savior God to Thee!  How great thou art?  How GREAT thou art?”

The Father Welcomes Me Back Into His Arms… You can call me the prodigal daughter.  Luke 15: ²² “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. ²³ Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. ²⁴ For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.”

His love is so overwhelming… unconditional… and soul fulfilling… I need him every hour… Not just one the side prayers… or occasional Bible study.  I need him intimately and completely.  I need him like the air I breathe.  Without God… I am nothing!  Without God… I am completely miserable!  “I need thee every hour!”

With God… I am complete!!!

Blessings, Crystal 

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It is official… I am now a Mental Health Counselor!  I received my master’s degree in Professional Counseling from Liberty University, after 2 1/2 {long} years.  This degree was certainly no easy feat for a stay-at-home mother of 4 children.  First of all, I want to take a moment to praise God and thank Him for calling me and walking with me through the entire journey!  Without Him this degree wouldn’t have been attainable.  God has walked alongside me every step of the way!  He provided knowledge, wisdom, and understanding throughout the entire process.  Most importantly, God lead me through an in depth healing of my mind, spirit, soul, and heart.  As a result, I was forced to face my past childhood abuse and personal insecurities.  God directed me through the process of healing and gave me an in depth understanding of who I am today and the manner in which the abuse has effected my life to this point.  The healing that has taken root within my entire being is absolutely astounding and life altering.  Praise the Lord!  I am confident the journey has made me a stronger and more confident individual.  I am truly thankful for the opportunity to achieve this personal dream. A dream that would have {NEVER} been possible without God’s unconditional love and victorious plans for His children!

I want to personally thank my dear husband for his constant encouragement throughout the journey and for the late nights he stayed up and edited every single one of my papers.  I am thankful he stood up to the challenge of being Mr. Mom for 8 months throughout my internship, while simultaneously working his personal job to help me reach the completion of the degree.  Most importantly I am thankful for his undying love, affection, and encouragement when I needed it most.  I love you Robert Ridlon!!!

I would like to thank my 4 amazing children, whom sacrificed so much throughout this degree journey.  The four of them sacrificed much of their quality time with their momma and remained astoundingly resilient throughout the entire process.  I am proud of my four wonderful children!  I am thankful for my in-laws who encouraged and supported me throughout the entire process!  A special thank you to my mother-in-law for helping with the children while I was away at the Liberty University campus for week long intensive courses.  In addition, I am thankful for the friends who encouraged me throughout the journey (you know who you are) and I couldn’t have finished without your love and encouragement throughout the entire journey.  I am thankful for my supervisors, Emma Ford, Deb Slikkers, and Caleb Branam!  They walked through the entire internship journey with me and taught me hands on experience as a therapist!  Thank you to the other therapists and co-workers who offered encouragement and advice as I faced the challenge of new clients and tough cases!  Thank you!  Finally, I want to thank Liberty University and my amazing professors from the “counseling department” for solid Biblical teaching, encouragement, and guidance on my journey to becoming a therapist.  A “special” thank you to Dr. Karin Dumont!  She continually taught solid and Biblical teaching, modeled God’s definition of sound Godly counseling, and always maintained a deep rooted love and compassion for her students.  This amazing professor became my role model and wonderful mentor throughout the entire process!  Thank you to all who encouraged and supported me throughout this journey!  Your efforts did not go unnoticed!

What’s next?

Good question… I just received my first official job offer working part-time at Meadows Hospital, working with adolescents, adults, and geriatrics.  I will work PRN part-time as I begin the process of perusing licensure and receiving my Licensed Mental Health Associate (LMHCA) credentials.  Once, I receive my LMHCA, I may head straight into private Christian counseling, as I feel this is where God needs me most in Bloomington, In.  The long-term plan involves applying for licensure with the state of Indiana, taking another big exam (NCE), completing 3,000 hours of supervised client hours, and the final step will be taking the “licensure” exam.  It’s still a long journey!!!

One thing I know for certain… God will walk through the entire journey with me… every step of the way!

1 Corinthians 15:57 “but thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”

Blessings, Crystal Ridlon

Caroline the big 4 years-old!

You my dearest daughter are truly a gift from heaven!

I thank God everyday for….

Your continuous smiling face,

Your giggle that always fills me with joy,

Your silly little sayings,

Your ability to fill a room with happiness,

Your princess like manners.

I thank God for the little things that make you… you…

The way you sing all around the house,

The way you simply adore our doggy,

The way you care for those around you,

The way I see you make friends with everyone,

The way you cuddle so close and hug so tight,

The way you love to dress up and pretend,

The way you beg momma to sing you… just one more song,

The way you… love your daddy,

The way you love playing Legos with your big brothers,

The way you only wear dresses,

For all the wonderful things…

That make you CAROLINE!!!

I thank God for… the gift of you!

I love you, sweet girl!

Mom

When I think about this scary and uncertain world,

Panic and anxiety can easily overtake me.

Life is tough…

I’ve sat beside many hospital beds,

As those I love cry out in pain,

Drench the sheets due to fever.

And take their final breaths.

I’ve lost many loved ones….

People I will never forget,

Loved ones who have left forever imprints on my heart.

I’ve sat next to hospital beds…

Holding the hands of my sick babies,

Praying with people paralyzed with fear.

I’ve experienced sleepless nights…

Praying for steady breadth to return to my asthmatic child,

Praying for God to take a suffering loved one home,

Praying for strength to face the uncertainty that lay ahead.

I’ve held the hand of dying loved ones.

Feeling the inner tug of war: between loving and letting go.

I sang… read scripture… and prayed my dearest uncle right into the arms of Jesus.

I’ve observed my grandmother’s strong and healthy body,

Grow old and increasingly feeble.

I’ve felt the pang of hearing the doctor say, “She will never be able to return home!”

I’ve fought back tears of grief, pain, and heartache.

I’ve fought for joy’s return, into a heart so broken with grief.

My only hope in the difficult times,

Comes from a heart of brokenness,

Crying out for God!

And the realization … that He provides… Every time!

At times… The tears flow in droves.

At times… I’ve questioned my ability to survive my heart’s pain.

At times…. I’ve wondered how I could possibly face another day.

Fears lurking all around me,

Uncertainly stealing my piece of mind,

Rejection crushing my self-esteem,

Grief so real… so deep.. so utterly heart-wrenching.

In times of turmoil, strife, and pain,

God has proven… BIGGER!!!

God has proven… STRONGER!!!

God has provided…. STRENGTH!!!!

God has provided… JOY!!!

In the midst of a broken and fearful heart…

God has remained STEADY!

God has continued to provide COMFORT!

God has always proven GREATER!

Greater than my fears, pain, anger, and greif!!!

A life without God…

Utterly hopeless!

A life with God…

Utterly hopeful!

I WILL TRUST!

In my questioning… I remember 1 John 4:4

Greater is He that is in me; Than he that is in the world!!!