The Flame Within

Friends, One thing you will find on my blog is 100% authentic honesty.  I have never been a good pretender, if something is not right inside my heart, it is evident on my face.  Over the years, I have tried to hide my feelings and emotions.   I have learned… “I can’t!”  I have heard many people over the years tell me, “You are transparent!”  It is true, usually transparency is a good thing, but at times it is not so good.  Those closest to me, always notice when something is bothering me.

Since, I am not a good pretender and honesty is my best tool…

Let’s be honest… shall we?

This past year has been enriched with turmoil, difficulties, relationship struggles, and pain.  At times I felt guilty because my inner turmoil seemed unbearable.  As a graduate student training to be a counselor, I realized I was fighting depression.  Depression is not something I typically succumb to… but it was a real concern.

One night at church… I sat in choir attempting to sing praises to God… but I couldn’t.  For the first time in my life, I couldn’t sing praises to God.  I left the choir room and found a corner in the church and fought tears as I wrote a letter to God.  As the words exited my heart and entered the white screen on my smart phone.  I couldn’t believe the message… the prayer… the hurt and anger I was spewing toward God.  I felt like a terrible Christian!  I felt guilty as if I was being disrespectful to God!  After all, I wasn’t counting my blessings or giving thanks.  Throughout my developmental years I was never allowed to share my heart, my hurts, or my feelings with anyone.  At least not without fear of some kind of retribution.

Here is the honest and unaltered prayer I wrote to God..

“Lord, You are the lion that resides in my soul.  You are my voice, my strength, my desire, and my hope.  I sit here on the carpeted floor, in agonizing pain.  The turmoil within is threatening to escape through countless drops of liquid escaping from windows of my soul.  Lord, my roar is gone.  I feel weak, afraid, timid, rejected, and in need of strength. The hope I’ve held onto throughout my life and all my trials is dimmed and barely noticeable.  I’ve fought… I’ve stood up to the pain of my childhood… I’ve taken the difficult steps set before me.  Steps you said were to help me achieve true healing.

The pain from my childhood. .. will it forever haunt me?  Will the abuse I encountered as a child forever… continue to place constraints on my relationships… hinder personal growth… speak lies into my heart.  The fear and control I endured throughout my childhood and adolescent years,  will I ever find freedom from it’s steady grasp?

Lord, with everything I am… I have served you… even when life seemed hopeless… I clung to you.  You held me… you offered hope. .. were you “really” there or did I simply make you up… out of a hopeless frenzy to survive?  I’ve encountered pain… terrible pain… deep… intense pain.  I lived in fear… years of anxiety and despair.  This pain I suppressed all in an effort to survive…  In order to survive I was forced to suppress all the years of trauma, rejection, ridicule, and brokenness that I endured.

Lord, now you want all this brokenness conquered?  These steps you’ve set before me… intended to free me of bottled up pain and bondage.  Each step is weakening my strength.  The wall of protection I built as a child, in an effort to protect a little girl’s heart.  Each step you place before me seems bigger than the last. Each step taken… strips away another protective brick… leaving me terrified, afraid, and vulnerable.

I trusted you to fill in those empty and vulnerable vacancies.  I feel exposed, naked, and tender!

Lord, I’m angry!  I’m mad!  I’m hurt!  I’m broken!   I’ve trusted you in the face of abuse.   Lord, do you know my heart is breaking?  Do you know I’m tired?  Do you know inside I feel broken?   Fragile?  Do you really know … are you really there?  I can’t feel you!  Why do you seem so far away!  Have you turned your face from me?

Lord, it seems you have let me down!  Did I really say that?  Is it okay?  Is it okay if I’m truly honest with you? I have nothing left within me… no more strength, no more fight, and no more resilience.  All that remains is my honesty, brokenness, and humanness.

You called me to the daunting task before me.  I am certain… I know… I heard your gentle and relentless heeding deep within the sanctuary of my heart.  You insisted I take this step… I was terrified… in fear I trusted you.  I told you I couldn’t do it… I told you I didn’t have what it took… I told you… I wasn’t strong enough.  Yet you were relentless.  I fought your relentless heeding… but you continued to call my heart.  You told me you’d be my strength…  You told me you would open the right doors when it was time… You told me you’d be with me every step of the way. I trusted you!  So…. I stepped out in faith and followed you.  I obeyed you!

Now… it feels you’ve left me stranded to fight this battle on my own.

Lord, I need you!  I am sorry for my anger!  I long for you strength!  I need your peace!  I NEED YOU!

Please, fill in the broken places of my heart!  Take my authentic prayer and weary spirit and make me strong in you!  Make this pain, frustration, and fear something truly beautiful!  Turn this broken prayer into something wonderful… a miraculous sign of your presence in my life!

Your Daughter, Crystal”

Romans 8:28 “All things work for good to those who love the Lord, to those called according to His purposes!”

Isaiah 40:31 “But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”

John 14:1 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.” 

Psalm 28:7 “The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.”

Friends, It is NEVER a sin to bring our brokenness, anger, and fears to God.  As I approached the throne of grace in utter weakness, seeking God like never before, something miraculous happened within the deepest places of my heart.  God began to heal my wounded spirit!  My heart was emptied of pent up bitterness, hurt, rejection, fear, and bondage.  I still have a long way to complete healing… but I am headed in the right direction. Do you need to have an honest talk with God?  There is no time to waste… find a quiet place and pour out your hurts, fears, and anger to the God who can and actually longs to handle ALL of it!

Blessings,

Crystal