I’ve been on a long journey of healing after being deeply hurt within the church, by pastors, and experiencing great trauma and loss within the walls of God’s house. As a result, my heart has carried significant and ongoing trust issues. This journey of healing has been ongoing and deeply rooted, as it harmed the core of who I am—my faith.
The very place that was supposed to feel safe became a place of trauma, confusion, pain, and broken trust.
Praise the Lord, I have made great strides in the healing process, but the pain has been deeply rooted.
I’ve come a long way in my healing… but if I’m honest, I still struggle with trusting churches, and especially pastors. Trusting pastors has been the hardest part—partly because some pastors have not been authentic and God-fearing, and partly because of the spiritual trauma endured.
When trust is broken in spiritual spaces, it doesn’t just stay within the walls of the church that caused the harm. It spreads to other churches and, in fact, touches every aspect of your life.
The hope that anchors me along this journey is that God was present during the trial and knows everything that happened and what caused the pain.
My greatest comfort: God, my Heavenly Father, was present. He never has, nor will He ever, forsake me.
This has been largely a private trial, dealt with in the quiet recesses of our souls, within our home, and with the most trusted people in our lives.
God has been reminding me recently that He is the beginning and the end, and He is everything in between. My heart rests in this comforting and profound truth.
He was there in the beginning when my heart found healing as a young girl in Christ’s unconditional love. He was there when my heart found its first truly trustworthy place—in His love and the hope of Jesus.
He was there in the middle of the church trauma.
And He is still here now.
“He is our ever-present help in times of trouble.”
Recently, in the midst of processing the trauma, the Lord gently put it on my heart:
“Go back to the beginning.”
Back to when I first found Jesus at age 15…
When my faith was simple, real, and full of trust.
My heart, mind, and soul were like a sponge, longing for hope and any nuggets of trust and wisdom.
Before the confusion.
Before the hurt.
Before the trauma.
Back to where my faith began.
Back to when I found the hope of Jesus.
He put it on my heart to go back to the place where I met Jesus and experienced the unconditional love of God—to go back to the people and places where my faith first felt safe. Although I have moved away, I have remained connected primarily through Facebook.
I asked myself, “Who is a pastor you trusted? Who showed up and genuinely felt safe and authentic?”
Thankfully, I have had many good pastors throughout my life, but one pastor and his wife came to mind.
I decided to…
Go back.
Back to a pastor and his wife who had once poured into my life with unconditional, supportive, and empathetic love. Back to a pastor I could trust.
Thankfully, the pastor came as a pair with the most loving wife. It was the full package.
I am so grateful for Ray and Kay Robinson. The impact they had on my life is forever etched in my spirit. We need more Ray and Kay’s in this world. Ray N Kay Robinson
I reached out and called this amazing, God-fearing couple who have lived their lives to serve and honor the Lord—selfless and kind-hearted people who took interest in encouraging a young girl filled with childhood trauma and confusion that I did not understand at such a young age.
I reached out to a beloved mentor and his wife—people who walked alongside me when I was a new believer. They were eager and excited to talk with me and speak into my life and heart, just as they did in my younger days. I am so grateful for them.
These two met me in a season when I was hurting deeply, overcoming abuse, and trying to make sense of life. I have no clear memory of what we talked about, with the exception of a few conversations, but I remember the way they made me feel:
“Loved, seen, supported, and accepted.”
I remember the way they would stop by and take me to dinner. It was always their favorite fish café—which I didn’t like—but I loved spending time with them. I’m sure I ordered French fries and a Coke.
What a simple gesture that spoke such love to my heart, which was desperately needing love and guidance.
They didn’t just offer advice… they offered presence.
In fact, I don’t recall them giving a lot of advice. I’m sure they did, but they simply loved me unconditionally.
They pointed me to Jesus.
They showed me love, encouragement, and empathy in a world that often felt void of it.
(Tears fill my eyes as I write this post. What a difference they made in my life.)
Making that call was more than just reconnecting. In many ways, it was healing.
At first, I was a little nervous. Honestly, I was worried that my memory may have been misleading. I do not have many memories from that difficult time in my life.
But the memory of my soul remembered them perfectly.
They were exactly who I remembered—loving, kind, supportive, encouraging, and they told me how proud they are of me. They told me I am like a daughter to them.
Wow.
(Tears fall again, in the middle of the coffee shop where I am writing this.)
Thank you, Ray and Kay.
It was redeeming. It was healing.
This was a step in my healing process that was clearly God-directed. It was amazing to go back to my youth—to people who were supportive early in my faith journey and who showed me God’s love.
I guess God really does know what He is doing.
“Go back to the beginning.”
I felt the same positive feelings of acceptance and love in that hour-long conversation as I did in high school.
I went back to a time when my heart first learned what it meant to trust God and His people—the authentic and loving people of God.
After experiencing deep hurt from a church and pastors, this moment reminded me of something I never want to forget:
There are still good, God-fearing men and women.
There are still vessels of Christ who love well, lead well, and reflect Him with integrity.
There are amazing pastors and pastors’ wives who love genuinely with God’s love.
This brings me such hope as I continue walking this path of healing.
And even more than that…
God gently reminded me that He has never changed.
He is omniscient.
He is unconditionally loving.
He knows every need of His beloved daughter’s heart.
He was present in my pain then.
He was steady in the chaos then.
He was the most comforting voice in the middle of it all then.
And He is still that same faithful, steady, present Father now.
Fun fact: My husband and I were high school sweethearts during that season, and he walked with me through some of the early traumas of my life. I remember thinking, “This guy loves me unconditionally, even though I am so messed up.” This was a miracle to me, as I felt unworthy due to the core beliefs deep in my spirit.
It feels like forever ago, because my spirit rarely feels unworthy on this side of healing.
In fact, my childhood and adolescent years were some of the hardest days of my life… but also the days when my heart began to know what trust is—trusting God and trusting His people.
It was the beginning of one of God’s most amazing, miraculous plans.
Through this aspect of healing along this journey, I have learned an important lesson:
Sometimes healing doesn’t come from pushing forward.
Sometimes it comes from going back to a time when you felt safe.
“Back to the beginning.”
Back to when you first encountered Jesus.
Back to where your heart felt safe.
Back to the truth that He has always been there.
— Reflection —-
Pause for a moment and gently reflect:
- Where did your faith first feel real and alive?
- When did you first encounter Jesus in a way that felt personal and true?
- Have there been places or people that broke your trust along the way?
- How has that shaped the way you see God… or His people?
- Can you remember a time when your heart felt safe in your faith?
- What did that look like? Who was there?
- What would it look like for you to go back—not to the pain—but to the beginning of your faith?
Friends, if you do not know the Lord personally, this is the most healing and profound decision of your life. He is truly your safest place and your safest person on this Earth. He will never let you down.
Take a moment today to sit with God.
Not in the confusion.
Not in the hurt.
But in the simplicity of where your faith began.
Friends, Whatever trial you’re walking through. Whatever is breaking your heart. Whatever healing path you’re walking.
Remember:
He was there then.
He was there in the hurt.
And He is still here now.
He will be there throughout the entire trial. The beginning, middle, and end. He is there!
“Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first.” — Revelation 2:4–5
“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” — Hebrews 13:8
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” — Psalm 34:18
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” — Proverbs 3:5-6
Blessings,
Crystal Ridlon, LPC
The Flame Within 
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