The Flame Within

This past March I heeded the calling of the Lord, leading me into Christian counseling.  In March I began taking courses in the process of earning a graduate degree.  Yesterday, I began taking two new courses, this would make my 8th and 9th course.  As I sit here this afternoon, feeling the all too familiar “fears and anxieties” associated with the beginning of new classes, I realize my utter dependence on God for strength.  I recall his initial heeding, His gentle and relentless tug on my heart, and His guidance throughout the application process and the overwhelming anxiety I felt as I began this “huge” endeavor in the first place.  I remember my personal counselor saying, “Crystal, don’t try to walk through all the doors at once.  God will open one door at a time.  The other doors are closed, until God calls you to enter through them”  

I keep following, trusting, and have observed these predestined doors being opened at just the right time.  However, at the start of each new class, I feel the doubt of Paul, when he walked on the water…  I feel like Moses, being called to guide the Israelites out of Egypt, I relate to Noah running from Neneveh. Today… the doubt, fear, and anxiety has been working overtime as I overlook the course requirements, papers, and quizzes.  This fear is real, it maintains the potential to scare me off running.  Satan is sly like that…  It amazes me how he will go to all extents to scare us away from obeying God’s call!  Satan “certainly” does not want me guiding hurting sheep to the unconditional love of the cross.  

Will I allow Satan to scare me out of God’s calling over my life?  Will I allow Satan to make me a quitter?  

I WILL obey God!  I WILL cry out to Him in my despair!  I WILL seek needed strength from God’s unending pool!  I will call out to Him for help!  I WILL “Trust and Obey”!  For there’s no other way!

Deuteronomy 13 & 14 “It is the LORD your God you must follow, and him you must revere. Keep his commands and obey him; serve him and hold fast to him”

1 Peter 4:11 “If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.”

Dearest Father in Heaven,

      I thank you for your love and guidance!  Lord, I know I am following in many of your servant’s footsteps and cowering in fear.  Lord, I need your help!  I need your peace!  I need your wisdom!  I need you to help me to accomplish the next task you’ve set before me!  Lord, I know I am frail, not smart enough, and I need you to guide me!  Like so many who’ve gone before, I am completely reliant on you to walk this path with me.  Lord, be my strength!  

Your Beloved Daughter, 

Crystal

Christopher is turning 9 in a few hours.  This little boy has forever changed our lives and added so much joy and laughter to our home.  I am enjoying watching him grow into a wonderful young man.  Looking at pictures through the years, I am mixed with sadness and joy as I see this growth transpiring.  Saying goodbye to the wonderful memories of yesterday makes me teary eyed and sad.  Saying hello to the future is a blessing and filled with excitement!  I know our Christopher will go a long way in his life…  

Nine Reasons Christopher Will Be Successful Throughout His life

1.  Christopher loves God and loves learning about God.

2.  Christopher is “really” smart.

3.  Christopher LOVES to read.

4. Christopher is a hoot.  He makes EVERYONE laugh!

5.  Christopher has a tender heart.

6.  Christopher tries hard to follow the rules.

7.  Christopher is a “serious” thinker.

8.  Christopher has survived life with an older and younger brother… and a baby sister.  “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”!

9.  Christopher is a good builder!

We love you buddy!  We thank God everyday for putting you in our family!  Thanking God for blessing us with such a terrific boy nine years ago!

Today… Another gloomy, cold, and dreary day.
I long for the sun.
I long for Sun’s rays to soak into the clogged pours of my restless soul
To feel the warmth of God’s mighty creation… As it infiltrates my emotionally depressed state.
I dream of sitting in the sand. Hearing the rushing waves crash into the earth’s grainy soil.
To sit alongside the mighty sea… Is where I feel most intimate with the Almighty Father.
It is here… The Almighty counselor speaks profound wisdom into my being.
It is here… The Savior reminds me of the miracle of life… Of his creation.
It is here… I meet with God.
It is here… I feel true and undefiled intimacy with my God.
It is where… I long to be!

The mighty sea… The warmth of the Sun’s rays… a thousand miles away.
Distance too far to presently travel…
Where can I meet with God?
Where can I feel this undefiled intimacy with my Father whom I so desperately need?
Where can I seek His presence in the most fulfilling manner?
Where can I feel whole and complete?

The long months of winter are slowly stealing the energy from my body, mind, and soul.
The singing of the birds has ceased…
I long for the familiar and comforting spring happy hymns.
All of creation longs for new life to sprout.
My soul longs to be in the middle of creation…
To feel the warmth of the summer sun…
To feel the softenss of the spring breeze…
To smell the aroma of new life budding.
To hear the sound of children’s laughter as they swing from God’s original playground…
The trees that provide hours of shade, fun for children, and oxygen to sustain life giving breath.

Lord, winter is long.
I have no control to rush spring into present.
I need you to breathe warmth into my being, in the midst of the snowy cold air…
I need your spirit to warm my soul.
Lord, sing your love to me.
Remind me of the warmth of the Sun… Remind me of the joy… Remind me of the seasonal change that has taken place inside this wounded soul. Remind me of the healing, you’ve already completed… Remind me of your love.

Here in these winter cold months.
I will reminisce of warmer times.
I will picture myself sitting alongside the mighty sea.
I will remember the sound of the mighty waves…
The voice you used to serenade my needy soul.
When I am tempted to forget… Your goodness… Your grace… Your love…
I will remember the love song you sang to me…
Through the beautiful voice of the sea…
Singing into my longing heart… “Well done my good and faithful servant… Well done!”

Pain is real!  It is truly real!  Every human being who has ever walked this Earth, has felt pain in such real and often unmanageable doses, that life can seem unbearable at times. Tonight, I sit here…  My heart feeling sad. Not sadness in a “I can’t face life kind of way”…  But the pain is real nonetheless…  This pain and discomfort has been real and present in my life over the past few weeks.  There has been many moments of joy… but there has been some real hurt going on in this heart of mine.  So… Tonight… I disappeared into my room.  I realized… this heart of mine needs God in BIG doses!

 I NEED God… My heart has been breaking because I haven’t been as focused on God as I usually am.  My children are home… My husband is home.  The holidays.. The snow.  So many blessings in life are simply distracting me from quality time spent with God.  So… I disappeared…  Pulled up some sermons I borrowed from a good friend.  I turned on some good quality worship songs.  After four hours of focusing on God and His blessings… Suddenly the pain in my heart began to fade away and the only REAL thing left in this heart of mine… Was God’s amazing LOVE!  His awesomeness!  His unlimited power in my time of need!  

Friends…  I realize the only thing that is more real than our pain… Is God himself.  He is REAL… So very REAL.  You know what I realized tonight… The only way to manage my emotions and my pain is to take them directly to the One who is more REAL than anything in this world… in this universe… in my heart.  His love is so very REAL.  This hurting heart… Has just been reminded of God’s REAL and unending love.  Suddenly… the pain is gone.  It it’s place is true and utter praise for the Creator of the Universe.  A heart of gratitude for the Giver of all good gifts.  He is so very REAL in my heart.  I feel Him… His love pumping hope and joy into my heart.  

Friends… take it from me… God is more REAL than your pain…. and your pain is REAL to the  Father who loves you greater than any of us can fathom.  He has the power to heal… And He will provide strength in your heart that will allow you to face all the days of your life.  In the good… the bad… and the ugly… God is there!  He is REAL!!!

Isaih 40:31 “but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

Struggling emotionally…

The scariest feeling…

The feeling of a lack of control.

Frantically I begin cleaning…

Trying so hard to hold back tears.

In the midst of my pain…

My family is working…

Four child-sized fingers…

Struggling to glue together the walls of a ginger bread house.

Yet, the icing lacks strength to hold up the walls.

My husband walks up to me…

His words…  Life into my hurting soul.

Crystal… You clean when you feel you have no control.

Sweet heart… Sometimes no matter how much icing we use…

We’re still unable to solve all of life’s problems.

My desire for strength and toughness.

Collapses…

Hugging my husband…

My tough exterior falls.

I cry in His arms.

His truth… Reaches deep within my heart.

We hug…

Our four children join into a family embrace.

God allowed this moment to remind me of the important things in my life…

My God…  My husband.. My children.

Peace replaces the fear…

Suddenly… I’m comfortable with this lack of control.

I’m okay with not being able to ice together…

All the broken pieces of my life’s heartaches.

Why am I okay?

Because I know that God is in control.

He beholds the “right” icing that will one day glue all the broken pieces back together.

So…..?

I will wait patiently on God.

Knowing that He is already preparing the glue.

To solve the heartache of life’s struggles and pain.

Emotions…  

They can certainly be relentless.  

Emotions can wreak havoc on our outlook on life, these nasty feelings maintain the potential to ruin an otherwise wonderful day, and unfortunately are detrimental to our relationships.  

What are we supposed to do with these inner struggles?  

It seems to me we’re all bipolar to some extent.  Personally, I tend to be a fairly positive and happy person, however, my emotions at times can get the best of me, actually get the best of me all too often.  To be honest, my heart is breaking due to relationships that have been hurt due to my emotions.  I wish life could be a bit simpler!  I wish emotions could be more easily managed!  I wish we all could give each other the benefit of the doubt, knowing that we are all victims to our own emotions!  Yet, we put up our defenses, we’re afraid we may get hurt.  We hold onto grudges, rather than relaxing into forgiveness.  

We allow temporary relationship struggles to taint our overall picture.  We have a few struggles and sadly we’re all to ready to throw away a beautiful relationship.  So tonight, I’m sad!  My emotion of the evening is utter sadness!  I’m grieving, what feels like, the loss of a very dear relationship.  I took a risk and shared my emotions and as a result, I am grieving the loss of a person very special to me.  We are (I am) so self-centered by nature…  My feelings have been hurt… true.  Yet, how does the other person feel?  Do we ever “actually” think about how our actions affect another.  

You know… ?  I am quite self-centered!  I hate this about me…  I despise my self-centered nature. I long to love like Christ!  Tonight, I fully identify with Paul… Why do I do the very thing, I hate?

Today my emotions have been working over time… trying their hardest to get the best of me.  In the midst of my emotions I continue being a wife, mother, and friend.  Throughout the day I have tried to put my emotions on the back burner and continue on with life.  It’s past midnight and here I sit, feeling the all familiar pang of heartache.  Questioning my motives, my life, my relationships, and wondering why life has to be so tough at times.  

None of us are perfect, yet, we expect perfection from everyone else.  We “ALL” experience pain, frustration, and we have “ALL” acted imperfect and have made many mistakes.  Why can’t we allow people to be human?  Why can’t I allow people to be human?  Why can’t I allow myself to be human?

So, tonight…  I will feel the emotions.  God has allowed us (me) to experience these feelings.  There will be times of sadness…  There will be times of joy.  Tonight is a sad night.  It’s okay…  I’m glad that joy comes in the morning!  I know God has given us emotional pain to allow us to gage when something is awry…  a lingering sin… a broken relationship… or grief from the loss of someone very special to us.

You know…  I know from first-hand experience, that we don’t know how special someone is to us, until we have faced the heartache of losing one so dear.  

Tonight, I pray…  Lord, forgive me where I have fallen short of extending your grace and mercy to those around me.  Lord, use this heartbreak to train my heart to be more like your Son, to be more loving, less judgmental, and certainly less me-focused.  Lord, comfort!  Guide me into an avenue of ultimate peace and healing!  Help me to love like you!  Help me to know when to stand up and when to sit down!  Lord, thank you for your promise that although pain may endure for the night… Joy cometh in the morning!  

Happy New Year 2014!  

Every year I come up with some adamant New Years resolutions.  However, this year this is not the case.  Of course I have things I would like to accomplish, but I don’t have anything cut in stone that “I WILL ACCOMPLISH THIS YEAR!”  I would love to be a better wife, mother, and friend, lose weight, be more organized, make all A’s in my graduate program, and many more grand “so-called” resolutions.  However, as I ponder the past year, I have come to one conclusion.  This conclusion has developed my one “Single” New Years Resolution.  This past year was filled with rich blessings!  God revealed himself to me in new and amazing ways.  God has revealed an important God-given life lesson and one I am going to make a part of my life.  

GOD IS ALL I NEED!  

His ways are the best and most fulfilling way to live!

This year I want to focus on serving, pleasing, obeying, and developing a mind like Christ.  

This past year, God has asked me to give up several things, entertainment, and even relationships, although, this purging process was NOT easy and often hurt to the core.  I realized, His ways are the BEST ways!  I can’t surround myself with the world and hope to become more Christ-like.  I MUST fill my heart with the things of Christ!  This year, I will surround my life with praise music, Christian entertainment, and Godly and encouraging friendships. I read a blog that stuck out in my mind this past year, the message of the blog was that in five years, “WE WILL BECOME WHAT WE WATCH AND WHO WE HANG OUT WITH WITHIN FIVE YEARS!” Ouch!!!  If I want to become like Christ, I MUST surround myself with Godly surroundings and relationships.

Therefore, this year I am going to focus my attention on The Father in Heaven!  I’m going to praise Him more, read His word everyday, and seek His will for my life!

You know what?  I have a feeling, that if I make this one change in seeking Christ and obeying God in all I do, the other “so-called” resolutions might just take care of themselves.

What do you think?

The world is swiftly taking it’s focus off of God.  Culture has made the process of maintaining focus on God a difficult process.  Therefore, I am letting go of this “so-called” culture.  I am going to live to please the Father!

My one “Single” New Years Resolution…

GOD IS ALL I NEED!

Therefore, this year I am going to make it my goal to live in a way that says… God is All I Need!

Happy New Year 2014 friends!  It is my hope for you that you have a blessed 2014 and seek HIm whole-heartedly in this New Year!

I have been in a counseling master’s program for almost one year. The newness is beginning to rub off and I’m growing weary and tired. My motivation… The passion is diminishing… The current class I’m taking has proven to be — let’s say… “Unexciting!” All this has allowed doubt to take root within my spirit. Not all the time, but often enough to make me ponder questions, such as “Is it really worth it? Can I really accomplish the task set before me? Are these sacrifices worth the extra time, energy, and stress? Am I really cut out for a stressful job, like counseling? Can I handle all the heartache involved?” These are the doubts bombarding my spirit over the past few months. I’ve learned something important about “doubt”… Doubt can be dangerous, causing one to quit or even fail at the desired goal.

However, doubt can be useful and beneficial if handled appropriately. For me personally, my success lies in how I handle my feelings of doubt. Doubt is an inevitable part of life. All beautiful and successful outcomes, experience a fair amount of doubt throughout the course of development. The doubt I’ve been feeling has been pushing me to pray to the Father… Forcing me to seek God in a deeper way for renewed strength and vigilance. Doubt forces me to seek advice and encouragement from my Christian mentors and friends. Most importantly, doubt keeps me humble. If I ever start to acquire a pious frame of mind, doubt portrays it’s all familiar self, and humility once again replaces arrogance. Doubt is necessary to keep my focus on God… To remind me that I need God’s strength everyday moment of everyday.

How we handle inevitable doubt throughout life, determines the desired outcome. God desires to use people who seek Him in the midst of this inevitable doubt.

Philippians 4:6 & 7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”