The Flame Within

The past several days , with the holidays, I have been thinking a lot about my niece Catelyn! This time last year she had been in a coma for 4 months and we were beginning to say our goodbyes, as her body began failing. Her accident was life-changing for me… Seeing her the first time lying lifeless in that hospital bed, was the most traumatic moment of my life! I’ve spent hours and hours in therapy processing the trauma from her accident and her loss. Thankfully, I have found peace and healing… But the grieve doesn’t go away! It is a life long journey learning to live without someone you loved!
This young lady was more than a niece, she was more like a daughter! She was born when I was 11 years old and I pretty much raised her, as her mother and my mother lived their lives for themselves! I took care of her as an infant, taught her to walk and talk. Sadly, I resented her at times, because her birth in many ways meant the end of my childhood. Trust me, this was short-lived! When I moved out of the house at age 16, God quickly convicted my heart, that this sweet girl needed me! I tried to make it home every weekend during my college years to ensure she made it to church. She wanted to be like her aunt Crystal! She told others and I was so proud to be someone she could really look up to! I never wanted her to be like me, I only wanted her to become who the woman God created her to be! This was always my prayer for her! There wasn’t a part of my life she wasn’t part of and the photo albums prove this fact! She lived with us for a year when she was in high school. The memories are abundant! Tears still flow when I see her pictures and recall the countless memories we shared together! We lived through many hardships, precious moments and tender moments together!
Sadly, Catelyn and I often had a tough relationship as she grew older and made decisions that she knew I didn’t approve of… This is the stuff that haunted me after her death! The very thing that grieved me the most! I have peace over these difficult years and know that this old unGodly world, has a way of trying to destroy God’s perfect plan! The enemy won many battles, but he didn’t win the war! She is with Jesus! We made peace and I am forever grateful for the final moments to have shared love, hearts, and most importantly I was able to for the final time share Jesus with her!
I NEVER stopped loving her or praying for her! I NEVER gave up hope that she would get her life together and surrender to God’s will for her life! Sadly, this hope and prayer never came to fruition on this side of Heaven. This makes me sad… I know one thing for sure… If love could save a life, my sweet girl wouldn’t have died so young! She’d be living a confident, joyful, and happy life today! I give God thanks that she will be in Heaven and I will see her again one day! The relationship will be perfect! I look forward to hugging her and telling her how proud of her I am! Her last moments will be forever cherished! Even though my heart ached… broke… and struggled to even catch a breath.
I miss you, Catelyn Michelle! My heart still grieves your loss and breaks every time I remember that your gone! I thank God for the times we shared together and the many memories we shared together! I am sad and miss you terribly! Your little girl face will forever be ingrained in my mind!
Holidays have a way of bringing loss and grief to the forefront. Praying for all those who have lost someone special to them!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HsAluBAySI